Don't Bother Havoc, She Can't Cope
Obligatory Snarky Recap of a Television Show No One Cares About:
Oh, man. Am I the only person alive watching "Celebrity Idol"...erm, I mean, "Celebrity Duets"? It might as well be that. Because this was the most anti-climactic finale since Justin met Kelly.
Wayne is wearing a sequined vest. Why? I don't know, but my brain is too dead to make a decent Gunther Gebel-Williams joke. He says we're going to be treated to 1. the final three contestants singing solo 2. a performance from the "legendary" Boyz II Men (which leads to the obligatory "a lot of babies were born to their music" joke and the groaner "I even named my kid 'End of the Road' Brady!"), and two legends singing a duet we're probably never going to see anywhere else. If that's the case, I'll bet it's Little Richard and Marie Osmond.
First of all, I'd just like to thank this show for not being the total trainwreck that was "But Can They Sing?" but barely aspiring to be the laughable humanity that was "Performing As..." Hey, FOX network, way to get celebs who aren't pro singers, but have had some semblance of singing experience. Great move, but still, Celia Keenan-Bolger they ain't.
The "Great 8" finalists sing a fifties medley that stars with this really clunky arrangement of "Rock Around the Clock" that has four of the five guys running onstage and caught between panting and yelling. The girls come out with Cheech. Hey, anyone else remember the video for "Bang a Gong"? This really reminds me of that "Simpsons" gag with the Super Bowl Halftime Show in "Lisa the Greek." This goes into applause.
But wait! They're not done yet! There's this weird thing with the cameras where Mrs. McFly, Chris Jericho, Jai, and Carlton sing one line of the song, and then Carly, Xena, Cheech, and Hal sing every other line back. And they twist. It's another dumb 50s song we don't want to hear. Mercifully, it's short. Jai, perhaps as a consolation prize, gets to introduce Little Richard, replete with backup dancers and stage fireworks, who does his thing at the piano and doesn't let any of the celebs sing with him. Is the lyric in "Good Golly Miss Molly" I could never hear "Sure likes to bone"? Ewww...
And then, it's over. Six Flags has nothing to worry about.
For the solo turns, Hal goes first and sings that song "So, why are you running away?" that I used to know but I can't remember either the title of the song or the band who sang it due to some girl caught in a black cotton tourniquet spinning around on stage left and a coupla backup dancer girls in ripped denim skirts "running" interpretively.
(ETA: It was Hoobastank.)
Anyway, Hal thanks his "heroes" Metal Skool, who look like your typical bad hair metal cover band in full costume/drag. Is that name supposed to be like "Metal School"? OR does their name have this double meaning, like, "Metal's Kool"?
We get a segment showing how incomprehensible Little R. is before learning he actually had to leave early. I think my screen cracked from Xena's duet with Smokey Robinson. The duet is between Smokey and Gladys Knight, by the way. Then Xena performs. She gets an elevated stage and a mic stand and the dancers wear skimpy Tina Turner dresses while she gyrates and screeches a Janis Joplin song with the following chorus: "Tell mama what you want./Tell mama what you need." She ends by kicking over the mic stand.
We see Lucy's husband Rob "I Created Xena" Tapert in the audience. If Carlton doesn't do "It's Not Unusual"...eh, screw it. I can always catch that stuff in reruns on Noggin. Or Nick at Nite. Or TV Land. Or My9. Or TBS.
I flip on over to "I Love the 80s Strikes Back." Oh, Hal. You don't have to try so hard.
Marie Osmond finally takes to the stage...to introduce "supergroup" Boyz II Men featuring Wayne. Of course. He turned down The Wiz to do this? Wait. There's only three of them. I'm looking over my notes, and I kept listing their names and crossing them out just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Okay. Who quit the band? Wanya is still ugly. I can't tell if the third guy there is Shawn or Michael. Turns out it's neither - Wayne gets to sing both their solos anyway. Oh, wait. That is Shawn. He just grew a fugly-ass goatee. Nate really let himself go. I mean, moreso than usual. They just don't sound the same without Michael. Um, not that I would know. Or care. In case you cared, they sang "I'll Make Love to You."
Wayne screws up Michael's soliloquy in the middle of the song by ad-libbing some lame jokes about how Marie loves chocolate and Easter. He introduces them as "Nate, Wanya, Shawn." Thus, Michael McCrary is sorely missed.
Carlton gets the raised platform stage and a floating cloud background. Finally! A song I recognize! "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," which he sang a cappella in those irksome commercials for this show. He doesn't get any dancers, though. This is the crappy "American Idol" arrangement that skips all the good lyrics and cuts straight to the high belting notes. Damn. I've been listening to a lot of classic rock lately (Shut up, I can't thrive entirely on showtunes, you know. I'm only human.) and I've gradually begun to realize how much Elton John needs Bernie Taupin. If anything, Captain Fantastic owes the Brown Dirt Cowboy. I mean, compare "The One" to "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." You can't. They're in a totally different league. Yeah, "Believe" has some kick-ass instrumentation, but have you ever listened to the lyrics? "Fathers and sons/Make love and guns/Familes together/Kill someone"? Sweet potato pie, Elton!
Anyway, the eight do a medley of David Foster songs with Foster at the piano. We start with the final four (Carlton, Jai, Hal, and Xena) taking turns on different sections of some song I don't know. Some generic eighties power ballad with a big key chance at the last chorus and a lame bridge. At which point, the roommate came in and asked, "Is that Carlton singing? Lucky guess. He's really good!" It's "Hard For Me to Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago (thanks, roomie). Probably because it requires them to actually carry a tune. Marie comes in at the end of the song to show them how it's really done (The roommate: "Oh, gee. She sounds terrible."), and also to choke David. He says she's not going to get him to sing.
Hal climbs on top of the piano. Then the rest of the celebrities run out on stage for "Got To Be Real" and mug for the camera. The girls are all wearing dresses, and the guys all wear suits, except for Hal, who doesn't change from what he was wearing for his solo (jeans and a black t-shirt) unless you count adding a black leather vest and a wallet chain "changing." Chris Jericho gets to sing the "My love is your love and your love is my love" part of the song. Cheech interrupts him and can't finish the rest of it.
Anyway, Carlton wins and gets a crappy trophy made of two crisscrossed microphones. He also gets $100,000 donated to the charity of his choice, which is Fresh Start, an organization that provides plastic surgery to disfigured children. He says he's the co-chair with Grant Show. Well, at least one celebrity is using plastic surgery for the cause of good. I mean, if you can actually consider Grant Show and Carlton Banks "celebrities."
He sings that Billy Ocean song with a slap bass that I can never identify correctly. Maybe if you call me on the phone, I can hum a few bars. Either I'm old or ridiculously out-of-touch.
Oh, man. Am I the only person alive watching "Celebrity Idol"...erm, I mean, "Celebrity Duets"? It might as well be that. Because this was the most anti-climactic finale since Justin met Kelly.
Wayne is wearing a sequined vest. Why? I don't know, but my brain is too dead to make a decent Gunther Gebel-Williams joke. He says we're going to be treated to 1. the final three contestants singing solo 2. a performance from the "legendary" Boyz II Men (which leads to the obligatory "a lot of babies were born to their music" joke and the groaner "I even named my kid 'End of the Road' Brady!"), and two legends singing a duet we're probably never going to see anywhere else. If that's the case, I'll bet it's Little Richard and Marie Osmond.
First of all, I'd just like to thank this show for not being the total trainwreck that was "But Can They Sing?" but barely aspiring to be the laughable humanity that was "Performing As..." Hey, FOX network, way to get celebs who aren't pro singers, but have had some semblance of singing experience. Great move, but still, Celia Keenan-Bolger they ain't.
The "Great 8" finalists sing a fifties medley that stars with this really clunky arrangement of "Rock Around the Clock" that has four of the five guys running onstage and caught between panting and yelling. The girls come out with Cheech. Hey, anyone else remember the video for "Bang a Gong"? This really reminds me of that "Simpsons" gag with the Super Bowl Halftime Show in "Lisa the Greek." This goes into applause.
But wait! They're not done yet! There's this weird thing with the cameras where Mrs. McFly, Chris Jericho, Jai, and Carlton sing one line of the song, and then Carly, Xena, Cheech, and Hal sing every other line back. And they twist. It's another dumb 50s song we don't want to hear. Mercifully, it's short. Jai, perhaps as a consolation prize, gets to introduce Little Richard, replete with backup dancers and stage fireworks, who does his thing at the piano and doesn't let any of the celebs sing with him. Is the lyric in "Good Golly Miss Molly" I could never hear "Sure likes to bone"? Ewww...
And then, it's over. Six Flags has nothing to worry about.
For the solo turns, Hal goes first and sings that song "So, why are you running away?" that I used to know but I can't remember either the title of the song or the band who sang it due to some girl caught in a black cotton tourniquet spinning around on stage left and a coupla backup dancer girls in ripped denim skirts "running" interpretively.
(ETA: It was Hoobastank.)
Anyway, Hal thanks his "heroes" Metal Skool, who look like your typical bad hair metal cover band in full costume/drag. Is that name supposed to be like "Metal School"? OR does their name have this double meaning, like, "Metal's Kool"?
We get a segment showing how incomprehensible Little R. is before learning he actually had to leave early. I think my screen cracked from Xena's duet with Smokey Robinson. The duet is between Smokey and Gladys Knight, by the way. Then Xena performs. She gets an elevated stage and a mic stand and the dancers wear skimpy Tina Turner dresses while she gyrates and screeches a Janis Joplin song with the following chorus: "Tell mama what you want./Tell mama what you need." She ends by kicking over the mic stand.
We see Lucy's husband Rob "I Created Xena" Tapert in the audience. If Carlton doesn't do "It's Not Unusual"...eh, screw it. I can always catch that stuff in reruns on Noggin. Or Nick at Nite. Or TV Land. Or My9. Or TBS.
I flip on over to "I Love the 80s Strikes Back." Oh, Hal. You don't have to try so hard.
Marie Osmond finally takes to the stage...to introduce "supergroup" Boyz II Men featuring Wayne. Of course. He turned down The Wiz to do this? Wait. There's only three of them. I'm looking over my notes, and I kept listing their names and crossing them out just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Okay. Who quit the band? Wanya is still ugly. I can't tell if the third guy there is Shawn or Michael. Turns out it's neither - Wayne gets to sing both their solos anyway. Oh, wait. That is Shawn. He just grew a fugly-ass goatee. Nate really let himself go. I mean, moreso than usual. They just don't sound the same without Michael. Um, not that I would know. Or care. In case you cared, they sang "I'll Make Love to You."
Wayne screws up Michael's soliloquy in the middle of the song by ad-libbing some lame jokes about how Marie loves chocolate and Easter. He introduces them as "Nate, Wanya, Shawn." Thus, Michael McCrary is sorely missed.
Carlton gets the raised platform stage and a floating cloud background. Finally! A song I recognize! "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," which he sang a cappella in those irksome commercials for this show. He doesn't get any dancers, though. This is the crappy "American Idol" arrangement that skips all the good lyrics and cuts straight to the high belting notes. Damn. I've been listening to a lot of classic rock lately (Shut up, I can't thrive entirely on showtunes, you know. I'm only human.) and I've gradually begun to realize how much Elton John needs Bernie Taupin. If anything, Captain Fantastic owes the Brown Dirt Cowboy. I mean, compare "The One" to "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." You can't. They're in a totally different league. Yeah, "Believe" has some kick-ass instrumentation, but have you ever listened to the lyrics? "Fathers and sons/Make love and guns/Familes together/Kill someone"? Sweet potato pie, Elton!
Anyway, the eight do a medley of David Foster songs with Foster at the piano. We start with the final four (Carlton, Jai, Hal, and Xena) taking turns on different sections of some song I don't know. Some generic eighties power ballad with a big key chance at the last chorus and a lame bridge. At which point, the roommate came in and asked, "Is that Carlton singing? Lucky guess. He's really good!" It's "Hard For Me to Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago (thanks, roomie). Probably because it requires them to actually carry a tune. Marie comes in at the end of the song to show them how it's really done (The roommate: "Oh, gee. She sounds terrible."), and also to choke David. He says she's not going to get him to sing.
Hal climbs on top of the piano. Then the rest of the celebrities run out on stage for "Got To Be Real" and mug for the camera. The girls are all wearing dresses, and the guys all wear suits, except for Hal, who doesn't change from what he was wearing for his solo (jeans and a black t-shirt) unless you count adding a black leather vest and a wallet chain "changing." Chris Jericho gets to sing the "My love is your love and your love is my love" part of the song. Cheech interrupts him and can't finish the rest of it.
Anyway, Carlton wins and gets a crappy trophy made of two crisscrossed microphones. He also gets $100,000 donated to the charity of his choice, which is Fresh Start, an organization that provides plastic surgery to disfigured children. He says he's the co-chair with Grant Show. Well, at least one celebrity is using plastic surgery for the cause of good. I mean, if you can actually consider Grant Show and Carlton Banks "celebrities."
He sings that Billy Ocean song with a slap bass that I can never identify correctly. Maybe if you call me on the phone, I can hum a few bars. Either I'm old or ridiculously out-of-touch.
posted by Gypsy at 12:03 PM
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