Los Girly Boys
Obligatory Snarky Recap of a Television Show Everyone Cares About:
Did you watch "Dancing with the Stars" last night? If you didn't...where were you?! Because, man, that was some sheer hilarity you missed.
I don't know if anyone's ever pointed this out about it, but "Dancing With the Stars" is a highly Broadway-centric show. In the few episodes I've actually watched up to this point, I've heard them use tunes from The Pajama Game and La Cage aux Folles. This show is like the antithesis of the self-conscious gay denial represented on such highly P.C. reality shows as "American Idol" and "Survivor: Racism!"
Well, Mario Lopez did dance to a Gwen Stefani song last week, offering inarguably the greatest Gwen-related T.V. moment since Sebastian Bach sang "Hollaback Girl" on "Gilmore Girls."
Anyway, this show wears its homosexual appeal like sequins on its billowy, spangly sleeve. Just in time for Halloween, here's Sara Evans, country singer and all-around proponent of wacky costumes. She did a routine to a song from Phantom of the Opera, but it wasn't "Think of Me." Or "Music of the Night." Or even "All I Ask of You." It was "Phantom of the Opera." Hilarity! Ah, there's the chandelier. And she was wearing this full-out Vampirella getup you'd usually find upstairs at Ricky's with a leather bustier and wicked Goth makeup. And there was lightning flashing in the background. Her partner had on this costume that was covered with red rose appliques in some weird diagonal pattern along the torso, and he was dragging her all over the floor. It was crazy. And I love how they left in the campy dialogue from the Broadway show. Twice. "Sing for me, my Angel of Music!" "You aaaare the Phantom of the Operaaaaaa!!"
You had to have seen it. Maybe it'll be up on YouTube this second.
The judges reamed her for it, and the audience seemed compelled to agree. That was awesome. They were like, "Whooo...wait, I think I really mean...Whoa. He is right. This sucked and was bizarre!" That was, like, one person. And you could hear him, too! Now that was hilarious and embarrassing. Heheh. "You go, Bruno!
Incidentally, I was cleaning the apartment the other day, just going through old Playbills (The roommate: You threw out my yogurt!), and I still have the one from the 2005 Tony Awards. Guess who was nominated that year? None other than the "Dancing with the Stars" bandleader himself! So when is Joey Lawrence coming to Broadway? Bring on "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix"!
I have to hand it to Jerry Springer, though. He's never been more likable here than anywhere else, even when T.V.'s David Soul played him on the West End. He's like a stand-in for all of us pathlogically rhythm-challenged Jews watching in the audience. Not that I don't know my way around a pretty time-step. But, here, he's a big, sentimental goof. Kind of makes you forget about the whole shady "running for public office" thing. Maybe it's because he doesn't get a "Final Thought" in before "Help Me Help You" at 9:30.
Side Note: And hour and a half? Are you people insane?
Extra Side Note: Am I the only one who thinks "Help Me Help You" is the best show no one else is watching? It's like "Malcolm in the Middle" for adults. Only less frenetic. Just replace Reese with Jere Burns. Sublimely hilarious. I can't help but feel like if Marta 2 is now shilling for Macy's, this may be the closest we'll get to another "Arrested Development" for a very long time.
Where were we? Ah, yes. There's some girl from High School Musical on this. Why, I don't know. But imagine that's going to be the season opener on your old stomping grounds for a mo, and you'll at least sense why a part of me died recently.
Vivica A. Fox does a pasodoble set to Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." Heh. At least they did have the Scissor Sisters on last week as a very special musical guest. This is actually very good. Although, Joey Lawrence is really beginning to piss me off. I mean, more so than "Whoa!" ever did on "Blossom." He really comes off as a cocky asshole in this particular setting. I think he and Mario Lopez are supposed to be the designated villains of this thing. Because, if people are rooting for Jerry and Emmitt Smith, simply because, y'know, they've (supposedly) never danced. At least they try, and it's really fun, yet strangely heartwarming to watch them (sorta) succeed at it. Meanwhile, it's like Joey and Mario are forced to pretend like they don't even have to try. Or want to. I think the disparity between Joey's backflips/constant grandstanding vs. Emmitt's gleeful flat-footedness are just too great for this show. And, come on, how can your heart not melt at that footage of Emmitt riding a carousel at the state fair? You might as well be dead.
Never mind that I was complaining about this very same trait but only some hours ago. (At least on "Celebrity Duets," everyone seemed like equals). It's actually more interesting to watch these little internal conflicts on "Dancing with the Stars" play themselves out.
I have no doubt in my mind that one of the ladies (probably Vivica or Willa Ford) will squeak through to the finals and actually stand a chance of beating either Mario or Broseph. It's like on "Rock Star," when the best singer (Ty - who was actually in Songs for a New World and the Broadway revival cast of Dreamcoat!) was eliminated early. We need this! Because I hate being involuntarily forced to watch the "Project Model Catwalk Show" whenever the roommate gets the T.V. and I feel compelled to scream, "Hey, roommate, it's your boyfriend!" every time Michael Knight comes on the screen. So, far be it from me to be the arbiter of a popular opinion, for once. But, within the reality-show microcosm of "Dancing with the Stars," things we might not like fundamentally are compelling here. And we hate predictability. Okay, I hate predictability. But I digress. This show is a lot like Strictly Ballroom, actually. Which, I guess, is kind of the point. It's not overtly about dance. And it got John O'Hurley Chicago. It's balls.
So sayeth Rose, who is currently doing homework and singing along to La Cage from the CD player in the other room.
Can we talk about the kitschy non-showtune/non-No Doubt musical choices on this show? Because, every time I hear "You Light Up My Life" or "Copacabana," I'm just going to think of Homer and Marge over Bruno and Carrie-Ann. And now, it's The Eagles. For Joey's waltz. Bring on Simply Red already! The judges are crying. Mario isn't fooling anyone. Hello, "Kids Incorporated." Yes, you are a dancer, bucko! With a capital "D"! Don't fight fate!
Joey's on now, and it's not like we get any footage of him being clumsy. He just pretends to act like he can't dance. Which is bullshit, because we all know he can. Except for Mario, who, at least, is not a cheater. Um, hello. All right. Mario's pasanova is set to real ballroom dance music (I mean, if you count the Gipsy Kings. Which I do. At least, after Superstar. Extra points if Mario'd actually incorporated the "pepper grinder" into his routine, but no.). This is not helped by that evil, out-for-blood glint in Mario's eyes as he pasanovas across the dance floor.
Did that scare anyone else? I swear I didn't go to bed 'til 2:30 AM last night.
All right, Mario was the best - by unfair advantage.
Which means, next week, you'd better bring it to the waltz, young man.
"Sing to me, my Angel of Music!"
Did you watch "Dancing with the Stars" last night? If you didn't...where were you?! Because, man, that was some sheer hilarity you missed.
I don't know if anyone's ever pointed this out about it, but "Dancing With the Stars" is a highly Broadway-centric show. In the few episodes I've actually watched up to this point, I've heard them use tunes from The Pajama Game and La Cage aux Folles. This show is like the antithesis of the self-conscious gay denial represented on such highly P.C. reality shows as "American Idol" and "Survivor: Racism!"
Well, Mario Lopez did dance to a Gwen Stefani song last week, offering inarguably the greatest Gwen-related T.V. moment since Sebastian Bach sang "Hollaback Girl" on "Gilmore Girls."
Anyway, this show wears its homosexual appeal like sequins on its billowy, spangly sleeve. Just in time for Halloween, here's Sara Evans, country singer and all-around proponent of wacky costumes. She did a routine to a song from Phantom of the Opera, but it wasn't "Think of Me." Or "Music of the Night." Or even "All I Ask of You." It was "Phantom of the Opera." Hilarity! Ah, there's the chandelier. And she was wearing this full-out Vampirella getup you'd usually find upstairs at Ricky's with a leather bustier and wicked Goth makeup. And there was lightning flashing in the background. Her partner had on this costume that was covered with red rose appliques in some weird diagonal pattern along the torso, and he was dragging her all over the floor. It was crazy. And I love how they left in the campy dialogue from the Broadway show. Twice. "Sing for me, my Angel of Music!" "You aaaare the Phantom of the Operaaaaaa!!"
You had to have seen it. Maybe it'll be up on YouTube this second.
The judges reamed her for it, and the audience seemed compelled to agree. That was awesome. They were like, "Whooo...wait, I think I really mean...Whoa. He is right. This sucked and was bizarre!" That was, like, one person. And you could hear him, too! Now that was hilarious and embarrassing. Heheh. "You go, Bruno!
Incidentally, I was cleaning the apartment the other day, just going through old Playbills (The roommate: You threw out my yogurt!), and I still have the one from the 2005 Tony Awards. Guess who was nominated that year? None other than the "Dancing with the Stars" bandleader himself! So when is Joey Lawrence coming to Broadway? Bring on "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix"!
I have to hand it to Jerry Springer, though. He's never been more likable here than anywhere else, even when T.V.'s David Soul played him on the West End. He's like a stand-in for all of us pathlogically rhythm-challenged Jews watching in the audience. Not that I don't know my way around a pretty time-step. But, here, he's a big, sentimental goof. Kind of makes you forget about the whole shady "running for public office" thing. Maybe it's because he doesn't get a "Final Thought" in before "Help Me Help You" at 9:30.
Side Note: And hour and a half? Are you people insane?
Extra Side Note: Am I the only one who thinks "Help Me Help You" is the best show no one else is watching? It's like "Malcolm in the Middle" for adults. Only less frenetic. Just replace Reese with Jere Burns. Sublimely hilarious. I can't help but feel like if Marta 2 is now shilling for Macy's, this may be the closest we'll get to another "Arrested Development" for a very long time.
Where were we? Ah, yes. There's some girl from High School Musical on this. Why, I don't know. But imagine that's going to be the season opener on your old stomping grounds for a mo, and you'll at least sense why a part of me died recently.
Vivica A. Fox does a pasodoble set to Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." Heh. At least they did have the Scissor Sisters on last week as a very special musical guest. This is actually very good. Although, Joey Lawrence is really beginning to piss me off. I mean, more so than "Whoa!" ever did on "Blossom." He really comes off as a cocky asshole in this particular setting. I think he and Mario Lopez are supposed to be the designated villains of this thing. Because, if people are rooting for Jerry and Emmitt Smith, simply because, y'know, they've (supposedly) never danced. At least they try, and it's really fun, yet strangely heartwarming to watch them (sorta) succeed at it. Meanwhile, it's like Joey and Mario are forced to pretend like they don't even have to try. Or want to. I think the disparity between Joey's backflips/constant grandstanding vs. Emmitt's gleeful flat-footedness are just too great for this show. And, come on, how can your heart not melt at that footage of Emmitt riding a carousel at the state fair? You might as well be dead.
Never mind that I was complaining about this very same trait but only some hours ago. (At least on "Celebrity Duets," everyone seemed like equals). It's actually more interesting to watch these little internal conflicts on "Dancing with the Stars" play themselves out.
I have no doubt in my mind that one of the ladies (probably Vivica or Willa Ford) will squeak through to the finals and actually stand a chance of beating either Mario or Broseph. It's like on "Rock Star," when the best singer (Ty - who was actually in Songs for a New World and the Broadway revival cast of Dreamcoat!) was eliminated early. We need this! Because I hate being involuntarily forced to watch the "Project Model Catwalk Show" whenever the roommate gets the T.V. and I feel compelled to scream, "Hey, roommate, it's your boyfriend!" every time Michael Knight comes on the screen. So, far be it from me to be the arbiter of a popular opinion, for once. But, within the reality-show microcosm of "Dancing with the Stars," things we might not like fundamentally are compelling here. And we hate predictability. Okay, I hate predictability. But I digress. This show is a lot like Strictly Ballroom, actually. Which, I guess, is kind of the point. It's not overtly about dance. And it got John O'Hurley Chicago. It's balls.
So sayeth Rose, who is currently doing homework and singing along to La Cage from the CD player in the other room.
Can we talk about the kitschy non-showtune/non-No Doubt musical choices on this show? Because, every time I hear "You Light Up My Life" or "Copacabana," I'm just going to think of Homer and Marge over Bruno and Carrie-Ann. And now, it's The Eagles. For Joey's waltz. Bring on Simply Red already! The judges are crying. Mario isn't fooling anyone. Hello, "Kids Incorporated." Yes, you are a dancer, bucko! With a capital "D"! Don't fight fate!
Joey's on now, and it's not like we get any footage of him being clumsy. He just pretends to act like he can't dance. Which is bullshit, because we all know he can. Except for Mario, who, at least, is not a cheater. Um, hello. All right. Mario's pasanova is set to real ballroom dance music (I mean, if you count the Gipsy Kings. Which I do. At least, after Superstar. Extra points if Mario'd actually incorporated the "pepper grinder" into his routine, but no.). This is not helped by that evil, out-for-blood glint in Mario's eyes as he pasanovas across the dance floor.
Did that scare anyone else? I swear I didn't go to bed 'til 2:30 AM last night.
All right, Mario was the best - by unfair advantage.
Which means, next week, you'd better bring it to the waltz, young man.
"Sing to me, my Angel of Music!"
posted by Gypsy at 11:20 AM
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