This "High School Musical" crap has gone too far.

I don't get why Monique Coleman is considered a celebrity.

She's on "Dancing with the Stars." That should probably clear up any confusion, but I thought the show was sort of ironically titled. Because the "dancing" isn't too difficult, and the "stars" tend to err more or less on the side of "has-beens." Or, in Monique's case, "never-was," because I have no clue who she is, was, or is supposed to be. I know she was in something called High School Musical, and it was produced by Disney, and the ABC Network is owned by Disney, which is probably not entirely coincidental. But if she outlasts Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, or - God forbid - Emmitt Smith, we're all fucked. Because the teenyboppers would win.

Actually, strike that. I could do without Joey.

It's the same reason I'm upset about our local theatre group canceling its plans for a Sondheim show to do the live stage version of this High School Musical...thing. Made-for-T.V. movie whatever it is. A little background about me without revealing too much: I started out doing professional theatre when I was in high school, but, to some extent, my mom had to sneak me out of the house to audition for it. It was an amazing training ground, and I got to work with some of the college kids who were at performing arts schools, but it might also have vaguely contributed to my parents dropping the battle axe and forbidding me to actually go to a performing arts school. Still, a part of me is actually glad I grew out of the local theatre scene by the time I went to college, because, by that time I realized that they always do the same few shows every year anyway. And, besides, all of the shows I tend to ask them to consider are on the "banned" list - can you believe they have a banned list? - because it would upset the Christians/Republicans/presumed Chickenhawks: A Little Night Music (polygamy and incest); La Cage aux Folles (the gayness); Once on This Island (depicts a society with multiple deities); Cabaret (you figure it out).

Anyway, they've instated a new rule that only local high school kids can be in this show. And they're asking them to do workshops and learn the songs to audition for it so hundreds of them can ultimately be rejected. They're not even letting the college kids in on it, even if they do look really youthful. And the worst thing about it is, my mother told me last night that, if I was in high school right now, the circumstances would have been much different than they were years ago, and, not only would she have let me audition, she would have supported me if I had made it. Maybe because I wouldn't have been built up and ego-tested like some, or maybe because my ultimately being rejected would have led me to become a great psychologist instead. Leading me to believe that I probably wouldn't have stood much of a chance anyway, because I'm only human, and did you see those creepy-ass kids from High School Musical on the show last night? They were freaky-looking! Like a company of clones devised by a market research team. They looked like they didn't belong on the set with all the normal adults. And it just made me think: "Is this what it takes? Seriously?" I don't know why, but I find it unsettling that High School Musical is taking its ranks alongside the same few shows we do every year as soon as it is. And there's nothing wrong with the classics. But, when you look at it, High School Musical is still a freaking made-for-T.V. movie, determined by a focus group, created for the information age, and embraced by morons. I probably wouldn't consider it a traditional book musical, but whatever. It still isn't Gypsy.

Maybe it's my early-twenties jadedness creeping in here, but I grew up watching Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence on T.V. And, to a lesser extent, Emmitt Smith. They were as much an integral part of my childhood as The Sound of Music. But that's not the point. All's I know now is, no matter how rough my Tuesday may have been, I know I can always come home and be greeted with that regal fanfare of "da da da da DUM!" that only Harold Wheeler and the "Dancing with the Stars" orchestra can provide. As far as I'm concerned, my T.V. watching schedule is pretty much governed by Turner Classic Movies, G4, Sci Fi, and "Dancing with the Stars." And if they really want to hook viewers in, then they should make with more "dancing" and less "stars." Which is exactly what they did last night.

Maybe it is me after all. Whenever they showed Joey Lawrence's brother in the audience, I had to do a double take.

I mean, what else is there to write about? Mario is kicking ass, Emmitt is pretty much filling the void that Jerry is going to leave when he inevitably gets kicked off tonight, and Joey hasn't been this inherently evil-seeming since he had that mullet on "Blossom."

You know what they should do? They should show that clip of him in blackface on "Silver Spoons" before he dances every time, so the audience has another insubstantial reason to hate him. That would be awesome. As it is, when he did that "tribute" to Gene Kelly in Singin' in the Rain for his foxtrot, and my whole body was cringing in horror, it wasn't just sacrilege. It was scary. Far beyond that guy who did it off-key on "The Muppet Show" way back in tha day. I can't help but wonder if there were any other viewers who were thinking the same lightning-related thoughts I was last night. Or, at least, holding out for an umbrella mishap of some sort.

I know I harped on his love of jazz hands and audience attention last week, but this week, Joey was making the creepiest facial expressions towards Edyta Slavinski. He was giving her raspberries on her belly button during his routine in the Latin round, which made it look like he was doing the most sinister Jell-o shots ever.

He also had the second-worst song choice of the night: "Mambo #5." It's probably me, because I always found that song inherently hilarious until I realized I was one of the names getting a shout-out, for better or worse. I can't imagine what it's like for Matthew to live in Joey's shadow - although, I'll bet he's still the mother's favorite. It's not like he's Pablo Schreiber and his older brother is the Greatest Actor of His Generation, but I'll bet his web site address is www.joeylawrence.com/matt. He sucks that hard. Joey was just wrong in all kinds of ways. Well, his Latin round costume was fine, but even he managed to fuck that up by cutting off the sleeves.

Although, if that bitchin' set really is an Italian restaurant, I can only imagine what it was like when that kid with the scary hair from High School Musical tried to go up to the bar. Or how the waiters felt about that. "Ey, Luigi! It's Mr. Guglemanza and some-a real ugly kid!"

The worst song choice of the night, however, went to Emmitt. He got stuck with some bizarre arrangement of a song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the waltz, but I have to hand it to the guy. He's becoming my new favorite. It's not just wonderful to watch him try - both dancing and getting a pedicure in the rehearsal footage - but he actually has a gift for dancing. Maybe it's the endzone, but he's really taken it upon himself to improve and step up to the insanely high level Mario's on without being an arrogant jackass about it. And, in this day in age where Tucker Carlson and Master P can only get so far in the contest without even attempting some of the moves that Emmitt's done, let alone actually dancing, it's great to watch him come out of his shell and show us a totally hidden talent he's kept locked up for years. Not to mention that his facial expressions are a joy to behold. He really loves dancing! And he's getting really good at it, too, somewhat unlike Jerry!

Poor Jerry. He's going tonight and even he knew it. I think it was a very un-subtle message when he chose a song for his waltz that began with the line, "And now the end is near." When he kept mentioning death in his interview segment? It was almost like he was losing interest in how well he probably could have done in the second round. It was awful to see him screwing up those arm rolls. And he even resorted to using a deck of cards as a cheesy prop.

What was that song they used for his Latin one anyway? Something where the refrain was the phrase "Onomatopoeia" repeated over and over again by the chorus girls, I suppose. Although, at least he got a nice costume for that routine. Really made him look like a plantation owner. Or a cigar smoker. Or a cigar...plantation...um, owner. Even though he was positively graceful in the first round, even getting a standing o from the judges, his moves that time only gave off the impression of your Uncle Morty dancing the conga at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah.

Another thing...What was up with Len Goodman's constant penis references? Was he saying that Mario and Joey are real men in spite of their vested interest in ballroom dancing, or perhaps because of, or what? I know he was talking about how they had "no balls," meaning to not lead the dance steps with their heels, but he also made some lewd gesture that I can only assume they cut away with the camera, because he was describing what prevented Mario from earning a perfect score...and it was hella weird!

The Latin round was interesting. They had to Mambo, without any cheesy rehearsal videos leading them into the routines. Also, the songs were longer, which was probably why Jerry looked so out-of-breath.

When Mario did his first dance routine to "I Wanna Be Loved By You"? Again, not-so-subtle messaging. Especially since he was mugging for the judges' table during that whole song.

He's probably my favorite to win. You know, I wouldn't be sad if the final show came down to Emmitt and Mario. Emmitt because he's emerged as the new sentimental favorite, and Mario, because he is the best. Again, Emmitt's really stepped up, and he's totally made up for Jerry not dancing as well as Emmitt is now. Emmitt's not as much as a sentimental favorite anymore as he is a forced to be reckoned with. Well, it was kind of cool to see Jerry last as long as he did, but Bruno is right. We're getting hardcore now!

Monique wasn't as good as the judges made her out to be in the first round. Partly because the song they stuck her with was this weird, syncopated arrangement of a song from Guys & Dolls (again with the showtunes!) and they couldn't stay on beat with their steps even if they tried; and partly because she was wearing this costume that made her look like a gigantic purple feather duster. Parents of America, I implore you, is this what you want your kids to become? This terminally unhip thing is funny and ironic when people like me embrace it, but when they showed that rehearsal video of her "shopping" with Ashley Tisdale (who? Oh, yeah, the creepy girl with the scary hair and teeth from you know damn well what), and dragging poor Louis Van Amstel along to act bored and embarrassed, making goofy faces at the camera and running around in fast-motion while holding a comically huge number of shopping bags - no shit, I sat up from my seat and screamed, "Is this fucking Playhouse Disney now?!"

Her second song was "Reflex" by Duran Duran (I shit you not! It was a Latin version anyway), and the High School Musical kids with the bad hair and teeth in the audience looked creepy. And it was unsettling to see them applauding her doing these risque dance moves while showing so much skin. The judges loved her anyway, but as long as it prevents her from making the top three, I guess I'm happy. I have a feeling that she probably will, based more on the audience votes and less on the krump-unhappy judges' table, but, man. That sucks that they put "Laguna Beach" and "Project Runway" on opposite each other, because that makes it technologically impossible for me to tape tonight's results show. If Monique gets kicked off, and I know she won't, please...holla. It would just seem so positively Keibleresque if that actually happened.

The Bergeron noted that Monique is still the youngest contestant on this, and has on Jerry about twenty more years. That's not creepy at all! Man, this whole "comeback" thing the show tends to (however inadvertently) stand for sure isn't working out the way they want it to. This was best exemplified during Mario's first rehearsal video thingamajig, when he said he was waiting for his agents to call back about his next high-profile acting gig - and he was doing his whole interview segment while holding and gesturing with a very active cell phone. He was slightly redeemed when they showed him visiting his newborn niece for the first time, but, man, a family function? That is not something you would take your "Dancing with the Stars" partner to. Not even a wedding. Or your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, for that matter.

Mario, apparently wearing Anthony Hope's costume from the recent Sweeney Todd revival, didn't do so bad with his second routine, "Shake a Tailfeather," which isn't so much "Latin" as it is "bad 'American Idols' medley," but his facial expressions nearly ruined it for me. Never mind that he's light on his feet. His mouth was gaping wide open when he was doing that mashed potato! Honestly, I liked this routine so much better when he did it in hot pants with Kelly Kapowski at the Max and they were called The Spandex Twins.

And, Bergeron? Way to work in that oh-so current Madonna ref into last night's show. I hope next week he says that Jerry was as uncomfortable doing the pasodoble as Borat in a room full of Jews.