Are We Not Men?

A thought: Am I a glutton for punishment? I'm reaching out to everybody who ever knew me on this one. Do I just love the struggle? Do I have to make things harder on myself than they need be for some apparent cosmic reason? Or am I just a jerk about some things in life that I presumably can't accept? Maybe it's a measure of me liking things that are inherenly frustrating. Whatever they are, I'm sure the ultimate payoff through the struggle will be supasweet.

I am referring, of course, to "Dancing with the Stars." I want to love this show more than life itself. But, even though it's continually surprised me in its ability to make the seemingly impossible totally real (Unironic, superbly choreographed dance numbers in prime time! Jerry Springer...likable guy!), like all other reality shows before it, it's clanking, not running to its climax. Or maybe there is some good left in this world and Joey Lawrence won't win. I sure hope so.

I'm sorry, but reading the early buzz on Company on the Broadway chat boards is obsessive and unhealthy. Especially since I just got a new computer, which will probably cut into my procrastination time. We're going to see the show in a few weeks, and I might see it again - with the added incentive of partying with some of the cast afterwards - but I probably won't go to that one. The idea of being around so many gainfully employed Equity actors in their twenties who sing and play instruments may be too much for me to take.

Although, I'm so happy for some of my formerly starving actor friends who are in Company that it makes me sad to read that they're cold and suppressed-acting in the show. It's like they're not even allowed to have fun playing instruments on a proscenium stage with thousands of people watching in awe. Maybe John Doyle has this evil master plan that we don't know about. That he's really as pretentious as they come and he came up with one genius idea for Sweeney Todd; that he was only just waiting until exactly a year later to blow it and show us that he's just like every other artsy, obsessive tool out there who thinks making the actors not ever smile or look each other in the eye was his completely original idea - like nobody's ever done it before, ever. And the fact that one of the understudies has to open the show for the first two weeks is about as encouraging as the negative chat buzz. Still, I think the last thing anyone needs to do right now is to rip Peggy Sawyer a new one.

That being said, last night's episode was a "Very Special" "Dancing with the Stars" Halloween show. Which meant a lot of black lipstick and the set being decorated to look like a haunted house. It worked to varying degrees. On one hand, it was a gas to see everyone in the audience wearing some combination of black lace, red silk, and fangs. It really was like the Rocky Horror Ballroom Show. And they've already got a scary, braindead muscleman on the show in Joey anyway, so the Rocky Horror part is pretty much covered. Although, I have a feeling that if I played Sara Evans' tribute to Andrew Lloyd Webber from a few weeks back over and over again on YouTube, it'd probably have the same effect. Because I don't think anyone really cared about the theme show. Karina Smirnoff was the only one who wore a mask anyway, so, even upping the "costume" factor of the costumes made no real impact.

For the love of Egon, don't ever wear the Ghostbusters jumpsuit if you can't even get permission to use the official logo. It's cheap and insulting. Although, I'm sure Ray Parker Jr. appreciates the extra cash from them using his song in the Latin Round.

Unusually, Emmitt had the best song choices of the night: "Spooky" for the Latin Round and "Witchcraft" for the waltz. Class act all the way, that Emmitt. Did you see when the annoying female interviewer asked him who he'd want to take to the finals with him, and he just gave her this incredulous look and said they were all winners? Fantastic!

As far as Joey goes, his younger brothers could fill the respective roles of Eddie in Rocky Horror and Brendan Fraser as Andrew Ridgely in Wham! The Motion Picture. I asked my mom whatever happened to them and she replied, "They should be doing something with their lives! Even Blossom went to medical school! They can't leech off of Joey forever, you know." He did a tango to the theme song to "The Addams Family" that John Astin would not have approved of; because, if you're going to do a cheesy Halloween dance number to that song, either wear the Gomez Addams pencil moustache, or a trench coat if you're already bald, or, Hell, just dress up as Cousin ITT. I don't care. Just as long as you live up to the greatness of the TV show and two movies, which I watched in marathon last night. Let me tell you, as it looks from here, Joey is pure Fester. And I don't mean Jackie Coogan...or Christopher Lloyd, either.

Joey's started glowering while he dances. And I thought the point of dancing was to at least look like you're having fun if there's not some overriding context in the routine, am I wrong? It's like this problem he has with his posture, because, whenever he does a routine for the Ballroom round, he always looks like he's taking a massive shit! For the love of Bruno Tonioli, please, please tell me I'm not the only one who notices this.

I told you I was making a bigger deal of this than it probably should be, or maybe just the fact that they repeated the phrase "Neat. Sweet. Petite." about fifteen times over the course of that routine. I can't stand the increased song lengths in this round, either. And, all right, it was a really terrible routine. Not just the concept and the execution, but the fact that Joey kept doing the stupid Michael Jackson's Thriller: A Short Film by John Landis move all through it. You know exactly which move I mean!

And, instead of his usual dance-ending belly-button raspberry, since he was wearing fangs (Again, nothing to do with Addams, but who cares? At least Edyta wore a Morticia wig, but it wasn't like the full costume would have allowed her to actually move around the floor or anything), he sunk his teeth into Edyta's torso and sucked her blood. Spooky!

Anyway, the judges still sort of were on the fence about it, but it's still a classic TV theme song. I mean, would you want to see a jive set to "Happy Days" or "The Love Boat" or "Gilligan's Island"? Yeah, I didn't think so. Whatever. Joey's still pure celebreality dance contest evil wrapped in an ascot and period waistcoat. He got a good score, though. Because, if anything was ever a sure bet for the Ballroom Round, it was Joey doing a tango to "The Addams Family."

If he really wanted me to soften on him, he would have used "Addams Groove" or even "Addams Whoomp" instead. Proper!

I just can't believe nobody used "Monster Mash" for either of the rounds. Did I mention that Mario kicked up his heels last week? In his Ballroom routine, he "plays a man mourning the loss of his love." This being Garcia Lorca's Chronicle of a Cha-Cha-Cha Foretold. All I could see was him glowering all through the damn routine, Method-style, to some weird song about death that I've never heard of. No matter, the judges love it anyway. And the House of Mario became the House that "Whoa!" Built. And yet I still get scared that this Party City-borne Halloween campfest will immediately be pre-empted by a production of Blood Wedding.

Mario used "Superstition" for his Latin Round pick. I mean, could they have been more predictable in their song choices? Where was "Thriller" or even "Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me," anyway? Now, Edyta in a slip with a wet condom in her hair? That would have been hilarious.

I don't know what my all-time favorite Rocky Horror callback is, but it's probably the reason I always have to stop myself from cracking up whenever Barry Bostwick takes off his glasses and says, "...use your phone goddamn it!" I'm always muttering the words "John Denver" under my breath and have yet to get that without laughing so hard. Incidentally, right now I am listening to a copy of the cast recording to the Charles Strouse-Richard Maltby mega-flop Nick & Nora starring Barry Bostwick that I checked out from the library as I type this, and it's every bit as justify-your-existence bad as you'd think it would be. Like, "Thom Sesma plays a stereotype I thought already died with Dashiell Hammett" bad.

Although, speaking of Rocky mountain highs, the annoying female presenter did wear Tim Curry's old Frank N. Furter costume. And I was really holding out for them to do "Rose Tint My World" on the results show. Especially if Mario got to sing the line, "It's beyond me...help me, Mommy!" Take this dream away! Also, nobody gets in the way of the Bergeron. Nobody!

They showed some video of Monique getting to meet with some older gay man wearing a shirt with tie-dyed glowing Halloween skulls and colorful novelty party glasses about her routine. Sadly, I have a feeling that guy dresses like that every day and not just for Halloween. Anyway, that was Kenny Ortega - At least I know the name. He's the guy they call in whenever there's a special musical episode of a long-running TV show: "Once More with Feeling," "Variety," "West Scrubs Story." As opposed to this show, which took that concept and made it into every single episode of the damn show. He also choreographed Newsies, Dirty Dancing, a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe, and every Olympic Games opening ceremony of my childhood. Oh yeah, and he also directed and choreographed High School Musical. And he probably shouldn't be spending so much time with so many teenage boys, either.

She danced to "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell and they got rid of the campy inside dialogue. Now, see, this is where the campy inside dialogue could actually benefit the context of the show. Because I still have nightmares of Joey coming into my shower and administering fanged raspberries to my belly button.

Monique also did a routine in a skimpy green sequined thong and no bra.

Anyway, it's clear that they like Emmitt, or, at least, are rooting for him to do sorta well. They even turned off the damn Jack-o-Lanterns on the big screen and replaced them with the digitized chandelier from Howard McGillin's tribute to Hal Prince on the Tony Awards. They even showed him fraternizing with Jerry Rice, who was on the show last year, and knows that Emmitt 1. isn't cheating like he did and 2. actually has rhythm. And he makes like it's his job.

Emmitt didn't do so hot tonight, despite some effectively propaganda-like footage of him recreating his show-stealing cha-cha-cha from last week's episode for a charity event. Reminds me of those new AARP ads with the fake singing candidate.

Man. You know what still gives me nighmares? BD Wong stradding a chair and licking a Bible in the musical episode of "Oz." I can't believe that was, like, his final episode. Still, who knew the lead singer of Biohazard was such a natural for the legitimate acting world?

They also showed the celebrities being corralled into doing stupid publicity stunts, like it wasn't their job. And they showed Mario talking about last week's "Desperate Housewives." Shut up, Mario. You know, I never liked anything about that show, even though they're named after Sondheim songs with no apparent pretext. Was tonight's episode called "Ah, But Underneath"? Maybe they can do the same thing for Andrew Lloyd Webber and this show. Sara Evans already got that one covered. And they can name all of the new episodes after tracks from the recent Song and Dance rerelease with no apparent pretext. I think my DVR said that the title of this week's performance show was "Variation #3." And tomorrow's results show is apparently titled "Capped Teeth and Caesar Salad."

Whatever the fuck Joey was doing to "Sympathy for the Devil," it never stopped confirming my worst fears. Namely, that Joey is the Devil. Man, he was just running on empty with his bag of tricks to prove the show isn't really rigged - and he even stooped so low to include that bottle dance from every post-Fiddler Broadway production number making fun of the prevalence of Jewish characters in Broadway shows, ever. Maybe it was his attempt at continuing the recurring theme of unsubtle messaging via unlikely song choices from last week.

Nice try, Joey, but it ain't gonna work. I'm not feeling any sympathy for that.

Although, there was a slight delay in the song cue. If that ominous glowing skull in the background wasn't any indication, Joey truly looked possessed in this one. As opposed to just looking constipated when he did the Addams non-Groove. True story: He actually bought their costumes for that number at Hot Topic, and somehow managed to give the free Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny cumrag to Len Goodman as a cheap-ass bribe. I mean, come on. I usually see boots like the one he was wearing on girls only. Oh yeah, and Edyta was wearing hot pants.

Tomorrow: Go forward! Move ahead! It's not too late!