No.
Meat Loaf and his indomitable chest belt have nothing to worry about.
As you probably know, the title for yesterday's post was something I forgot to mention. It referred to the fact that Bergeron kept promising a performance from "special musical guest Devo." Imagine my horror in watching the results show and seeing four handsome, robotic men vocalizing in matching suits and no Mark Mothersbaugh in sight. I actually called up my mom and asked, "Are they singing Badfinger in Italian?"
For some reason, I thought we were going to be treated to something truly special. Maybe a pasodoble set to "The Girl You Want" or a "Whip It" cha-cha-cha. Damn you, Bergeron! You hold out seeds in the palm of your hand, but do you feed the birds? No.
Il Divo is not opera. Calling them "opera" would be way too nice. They're not even the good kind of opera - although I think one of them actually played Rodolpho in La Boheme on Broadway - but they're too manufactured and emotionless to be gay, and too gay to appeal to straight people. My sister tells me that they're apparently Simon Cowell's little project, his attempt at creating a boy band that replaces the choreography with more technical singing. Except it's a safe bet that the kids probably aren't listening to this. Il Divo is doing nothing Babs didn't do on Back to Broadway: Watered-down, eighties-synth arrangements of songs from Phantom of the Opera, except here, they're done in four-part harmony and translated into Italian, because German just isn't romantic enough. Unlike Barbra, they suck all the air and passion out of singing. Because, man, if you thought this song was overwrought when Mariah Carey did it?
You don't just call yourself a "male diva" and market it to B-98 FM Lite Contemporary. You earn it, buddy! Meat Loaf earned it. You, Il Divo, did not.
Side note: I know what "diva" really means. I saw Phantom of the Opera.
Other side note: Don't get any ideas, Joey.
Anyway, then everything got back to normal. I don't know why, but Len Goodman got rid of the Halloween fangs and wild Dracula getup he was sporting the night before and singled out Monique's second performance as the only one worthy of being done on the results show. I just think he likes seeing her in that costume. Because, if anything was calling for a serious wardrobe malfunction, it definitely wasn't Emmitt's silk shirts. Or Joey's ascot.
One of the "divos" wore an ascot. As far as the other musical guests, they invited Willa back to sing the theme from Fame, with three musclebound dancers groping her and 3 girls in leotards and leg warmers doing a group dance routine. There's a girl in Company who plays the synthesizer. Why I find that hilarious, I don't know why, but every time I hear that song now, all I can think of is that her audition must have been a lot like Fame, with a bank of keyboards and computer screens in front of her, and all the other gypsies there for the Chorus Line call running out in the street to dance on top of cabs. I make like that never happened before, but, apparently, it did once during a dance class at the Neighborhood Playhouse. And then the guy got hit by a car.
After all was said and done, Emmitt was the first one moving on - thus ruining any "suspense" this episode had cultivated so far. And then Il Divo sang.
Has this shit really been around for two years? Also, I don't know why, but I found myself going "Can't liiiiiiiiive" in a bad operatic voice around the apartment.
The only good thing about their performance was that they had the world ballroom champions waltzing to it. That and this one cellist with arm flab in their rent-a string section who really looked a lot like Anita Morris.
The other performance was a spectacular dance choreographed by 3-time Tony Award winner Hinton Battle. I'd laugh at how hilariously clueless this show is to make 3 Tony Awards actually sound like a big deal - but one of those Tony Awards was for his impassioned performance of "Bui-Doi" in the original Miss Saigon, so who am I to shoot fish in a barrel? I'll just mention that his most recent gig was choreographing Evil Dead: The Musical and get on with it already.
Apparently, Hinton Battle invented a revolutionary new style of dance that's a cross between swing and hip-hop: SWAP. Obviously, we won't be seeing the celebrities on this show try SWAP anytime soon. Anyway, Hinton was cool enough to premiere it on "Dancing with the Stars." A bunch of people dressed up in newsboy outfits do these weird frenetic kicks, lifts, and flips really, really fast. Needless to say, they all look breathless and deflated when it ends.
Let's see Boyd Gaines top that.
We also got a behind-the-scenes video of the stars choosing and rehearsing their Final 3 dance routines. Joey's playing air guitar and making this into a much bigger deal than it should be. Something tells me he's pulling out all the stops for this one. Because we all know how well the guitar act worked for Jerry.
What do the Country Music Awards and "Star Trek" have in common, anyway?
So, what do the judges think? Emmitt is a great dancer, but he needs to work on his posture. Monique's commitment is great, but she only has one facial expression, and it's fake. Joey is proba - oh Hell no, I am not writing that sentence on the blog - but he has no flair and puffs out his chest, which, in effect, stiffens his arms (See? That's what I've always said!). There's really no complaint about Mario, except that he's the one to beat, and he can't get a swelled head about it at this stage of the game.
Then, the elimination. Joey makes like he just won Miss Teen Belle Plain when they announce he's in, leaving Mario and Monique in the Bottom 2, and we all know what's coming next. Monique gets kicked off, actually leaving the three best dancers (all men, too!) in the finals. And all I can concentrate on is her freaky green eye makeup and what will happen to it once she starts crying. Wise move on not pumping in a Rockwell reprise during her dance-out and instead having Monique waltz with her mom to a ballroom version of "Don't You Forget About Me." God, I wish I was kidding.
The inept lady interviewer promises "a bloddy, skinned-up final!" which actually makes me wish Monique could have stayed. And then everyone gets in a circle and does the wave. It's like a really, really sad hora.
As you probably know, the title for yesterday's post was something I forgot to mention. It referred to the fact that Bergeron kept promising a performance from "special musical guest Devo." Imagine my horror in watching the results show and seeing four handsome, robotic men vocalizing in matching suits and no Mark Mothersbaugh in sight. I actually called up my mom and asked, "Are they singing Badfinger in Italian?"
For some reason, I thought we were going to be treated to something truly special. Maybe a pasodoble set to "The Girl You Want" or a "Whip It" cha-cha-cha. Damn you, Bergeron! You hold out seeds in the palm of your hand, but do you feed the birds? No.
Il Divo is not opera. Calling them "opera" would be way too nice. They're not even the good kind of opera - although I think one of them actually played Rodolpho in La Boheme on Broadway - but they're too manufactured and emotionless to be gay, and too gay to appeal to straight people. My sister tells me that they're apparently Simon Cowell's little project, his attempt at creating a boy band that replaces the choreography with more technical singing. Except it's a safe bet that the kids probably aren't listening to this. Il Divo is doing nothing Babs didn't do on Back to Broadway: Watered-down, eighties-synth arrangements of songs from Phantom of the Opera, except here, they're done in four-part harmony and translated into Italian, because German just isn't romantic enough. Unlike Barbra, they suck all the air and passion out of singing. Because, man, if you thought this song was overwrought when Mariah Carey did it?
You don't just call yourself a "male diva" and market it to B-98 FM Lite Contemporary. You earn it, buddy! Meat Loaf earned it. You, Il Divo, did not.
Side note: I know what "diva" really means. I saw Phantom of the Opera.
Other side note: Don't get any ideas, Joey.
Anyway, then everything got back to normal. I don't know why, but Len Goodman got rid of the Halloween fangs and wild Dracula getup he was sporting the night before and singled out Monique's second performance as the only one worthy of being done on the results show. I just think he likes seeing her in that costume. Because, if anything was calling for a serious wardrobe malfunction, it definitely wasn't Emmitt's silk shirts. Or Joey's ascot.
One of the "divos" wore an ascot. As far as the other musical guests, they invited Willa back to sing the theme from Fame, with three musclebound dancers groping her and 3 girls in leotards and leg warmers doing a group dance routine. There's a girl in Company who plays the synthesizer. Why I find that hilarious, I don't know why, but every time I hear that song now, all I can think of is that her audition must have been a lot like Fame, with a bank of keyboards and computer screens in front of her, and all the other gypsies there for the Chorus Line call running out in the street to dance on top of cabs. I make like that never happened before, but, apparently, it did once during a dance class at the Neighborhood Playhouse. And then the guy got hit by a car.
After all was said and done, Emmitt was the first one moving on - thus ruining any "suspense" this episode had cultivated so far. And then Il Divo sang.
Has this shit really been around for two years? Also, I don't know why, but I found myself going "Can't liiiiiiiiive" in a bad operatic voice around the apartment.
The only good thing about their performance was that they had the world ballroom champions waltzing to it. That and this one cellist with arm flab in their rent-a string section who really looked a lot like Anita Morris.
The other performance was a spectacular dance choreographed by 3-time Tony Award winner Hinton Battle. I'd laugh at how hilariously clueless this show is to make 3 Tony Awards actually sound like a big deal - but one of those Tony Awards was for his impassioned performance of "Bui-Doi" in the original Miss Saigon, so who am I to shoot fish in a barrel? I'll just mention that his most recent gig was choreographing Evil Dead: The Musical and get on with it already.
Apparently, Hinton Battle invented a revolutionary new style of dance that's a cross between swing and hip-hop: SWAP. Obviously, we won't be seeing the celebrities on this show try SWAP anytime soon. Anyway, Hinton was cool enough to premiere it on "Dancing with the Stars." A bunch of people dressed up in newsboy outfits do these weird frenetic kicks, lifts, and flips really, really fast. Needless to say, they all look breathless and deflated when it ends.
Let's see Boyd Gaines top that.
We also got a behind-the-scenes video of the stars choosing and rehearsing their Final 3 dance routines. Joey's playing air guitar and making this into a much bigger deal than it should be. Something tells me he's pulling out all the stops for this one. Because we all know how well the guitar act worked for Jerry.
What do the Country Music Awards and "Star Trek" have in common, anyway?
So, what do the judges think? Emmitt is a great dancer, but he needs to work on his posture. Monique's commitment is great, but she only has one facial expression, and it's fake. Joey is proba - oh Hell no, I am not writing that sentence on the blog - but he has no flair and puffs out his chest, which, in effect, stiffens his arms (See? That's what I've always said!). There's really no complaint about Mario, except that he's the one to beat, and he can't get a swelled head about it at this stage of the game.
Then, the elimination. Joey makes like he just won Miss Teen Belle Plain when they announce he's in, leaving Mario and Monique in the Bottom 2, and we all know what's coming next. Monique gets kicked off, actually leaving the three best dancers (all men, too!) in the finals. And all I can concentrate on is her freaky green eye makeup and what will happen to it once she starts crying. Wise move on not pumping in a Rockwell reprise during her dance-out and instead having Monique waltz with her mom to a ballroom version of "Don't You Forget About Me." God, I wish I was kidding.
The inept lady interviewer promises "a bloddy, skinned-up final!" which actually makes me wish Monique could have stayed. And then everyone gets in a circle and does the wave. It's like a really, really sad hora.
posted by Gypsy at 10:16 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home