Because I haven't seen any theatre in a long time, I have to recap the Oscars.

7:07 PM

This was all I could think of while seeing the following people interviewed on E!

"Meet George Jetson" = John Travolta
"His boy, Elroy" = Peter Sarsgaard
"Daughter Judy" = Maggie Gyllenhaal
"Jane, his wife" = Jennifer Hudson
"Their dog Astro" = Rinko Kikuchi
"Aaaaargh!" = Penelope Cruz
"Touch-a touch-a touch me" = J.Lo

And Melissa Etheridge as Rosie the Robot.

7:11 PM

Leonardo DiCaprio's fat head comes onscreen and I kick myself for using up my good Rosie the Robot joke.

Hey, remember when Djimon Hounsou was nominated? For In America? No? Anyway, he lost. But they showed that old clip of him lip-synching to "Love Will Never Do Without You"! Man!

Obligatory reference to not one, but two former Calvin Klein underwear models being nominated this year. Reminds me of last year, when the two random dudes from The Birdcage faced off against each other for Adapted Screenplay.

Obligatory clip of post-Bears Jackie Earle Haley in some Z-grade piece of crap.

Seacrest needs to just come out already and get it over with.

There's an actual excuse for Beyonce having to sing two of the nominated songs this year, but that won't stop executive producer Gil Cates from letting Celine Dion out of her carbonite chamber to get a song in edgewise for no true reason!!

DAMN YOUUUUU, CAAAAATES!!!

Looking at it closely, I think Travolta may be Jane instead.

One more thing: How did she place?

7:40 PM

I don't know which usually feminine woman looks more like Michael Dorn on "TNG": Beyonce or Eddie Murphy's lady friend.

You know, I never thought of Beyonce as anything more than a supporting performance in Dreamgirls. Although, Henry Krieger is apparently an adjunct professor at one of the graduate programs I am looking at now. What I wouldn't give for the ample opportunity to trade Jennifer Holliday war stories with him.

Hey, look, it's J. Reinhold! Here to support his future Oscar-winning Ridgemont High classmate Forest Whitaker! Just so you know, that would make two Oscar winners (him and Spicoli) and two Ridgemont alums with Tonys (Brian Backer and Ray "Aloha, Mr. Hand" Walston), as well. Mock Trial with J. Reinhold, y'all!

Yet another rappin' Presidents ad for a Honda dealership comes a week too late.

Meryl Streep and her daughter Mamie. I get up for more guacamole and ranch dressing LIKE I CARE. Of course, Mamie is an actress off-Broadway in her own right. Remember Mr. Marmalade? First EPA I ever went to and I couldn't get seen.

How is "Brothers and Sisters" still on the air? I thought as a rule of thumb that all series with Balt Getty in them were supposed to fail. Thank GOD Barbara Walters chose to show that clip of Eddie Murphy having a nervous breakdown in Dreamgirls. JIMMY WANT JIMMY WANT JIMMY WANT MORE!

Happy Feet looks interminable. Everything I ever loathed about Robin Williams wrapped up in a CGI penguin. My take on Little Miss Sunshine is always pretty obvious: They could have substituted "Girls on Film" by Duran Duran or "Rump Shaker" by Wrexx-n-Effect and it wouldn't have made a fucking difference. I love Chris Connelly. He looks and sounds like he would be a former editor-in-chief of Premiere magazine (back before Libby Gelman-Waxner made for the only reason to keep reading). How did the nerdy lesbian scientist from Tank Girl become such a hottie? And, more importantly, whatever happened to Lori Petty? I take the Jazz Turns bookmark out of my old journal and start writing.

ALT hosts the obligatory segment of Jennifer Hudson trying on various jewels and shoes to the obvious choice of song "I'm Lookin' for Something Baby." I still love the cut version of "Cadillac Car" with anti-Semitic epithets in it.

Meanwhile, he looks like the lead character from a much differently-received smash-Broadway musical-turned-kitschy-movie: The Phantom of the Opera.

8:18 PM

The moment we've all been waiting for: A clip of Ryan Gosling singing and dancing opposite Britney Spears on "The Mickey Mouse Club" followed right by a clip of him going white supremacist neo-Nazi ballistic in The Believer.

8:24 PM

Every interviewer down the gauntlet just has to disappointingly point out the fact that they're talking to the biggest Oscar loser ever. Hasn't Kate Winslet suffered enough?

8:30 PM

The Oscars kick off with two great quotes from two classic movies: "Rosebud" and "I see dead people." Two movies that, by the way, LOST AT THE OSCARS.

A very funny, clever short film of every nominee this year opening up about their nominations. Everyone from Guillermo del Toro to Thelma Schoonmaker being themselves. Finally! And Peter O'Toole, God bless'im. There's Philip Glass. This is all worth it once they get to Eddie Murphy. And, of course, the rest of...

All right. Don't have all of the nominees stand awkwardly while all of the snubees have to clap with the camera right on them. This means you, Beyonce. Robert de Niro stands up to shake hands with Martin Scorsese, which makes him look he's actually nominated this year. Oh yeah, that film was underscored with funny music thereby making this the MOST RIDICULOUS OSCARS EVER.

Ellen makes a lame Dem-happy joke that gets lots of cheers. What the heck does Steve Carell have to do to host next year? Love the awkward close-ups of Portia, Spielberg, and Beyonce when Ellen says, "Gays, Jews, and African-Americans."

Her whole monologue basically amounts to the bit: "Just be happy that you're nominated because we always only remember the winners, anyway." Because she's nice and harmless. Conan usually does this kind of stuff better in his sleep.

Best Art Direction: After filling out my ballot literally at the last second, I get my first actual prediction right, Pan's Labyrinth.

Finally, the Oscars do something right and show the useless tech awards first.

And then they fuck it all up with this Cirque de Soleil crap.

At least Glenn Close doesn't have to put up with the degradation of announcing again. This is what happens when you get nominated and never win, people!

8:54 PM

Will Ferrell, Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and Marc Shaiman bring some much-needed Broadway-style hilarity Ellen and her predictable, unfunny gospel choir couldn't possibly provide. Jess agrees with me about Ellen bringing on the suck.

And it's this year that the Oscars have officially become a parody of themselves.

Best Makeup: Pan's Labyrinth. I am officially two for two.

"Short People" plays as Will Smith's kid and Little Miss Sunshine present Best Animated Short. Hasn't Randy Newman suffered enough?

Best Animated Short: "The Danish Poet. I had "Little Match Girl." Oh, crap.

Best Live-Action Short: "West Bank Story." Havoc's officially back in town!

I'm so excited I accidentally eat the stem on my strawberry.

9:12 PM

Now, this is just weird. The nominees for Best Sound Editing are "peformed" by a sound effects choir. Of course, anyone with half a brain, we all know this is probably leading to Jennifer Hudson singing "I'm Telling You I'm Not Going."

And I'm wrong. Just another disappointing Beyonce close-up. LAME. I scratch my head out of utter confusion as to how one awards show can be so truly bad.

Best Sound Editing: Ah, well, I got two wrong so far. It never occurred to me that the same guys could get nominated twice for two movies that were companion pieces to each other. One got sympathy! Paul Haggis can suck it.

Best Sound Mixing: Because, when it comes to this category, always bet on a musical. I've still only got two wrong so far :)

Best Supporting Actor: Dude, you do not point out the fact that Mark Wahlberg has been arrested twenty-five times! Anyway, Arkin takes it and I am pissed. Well, at least I put Wahlberg down as a noble guess. Why do they have such a fucking hard-on for this fucking movie? Total flashback to Cat Ballou.

And I still don't understand how she ever placed.

Ellen is talking to the audience and making Big Momma's House jokes. SAD.

Aw, interpretive dance? You fucking morons. SERIOUSLY.

Winning a Tony ain't much better. Exhibit A: Sara Ramirez. That's my Dove ad!

9:37 PM

After calling my mom with a relieved, "Edward lost," I am pissed. Not because Randy's obviously had some work done, but because shouldn't the Democrats be pleased with how much they've brainwashed me so far? This is too much. And, for the record, I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican: I support American policy whatever it is. But those expensive gift baskets and electric lights tell me that the Oscars have most definitely NOT GONE GREEN. Shut up, Al and Leo.

How are their Mutt 'n Jeff antics not that funny? Why is Ellen not funny at all?

My mom: "You don't like Pilobolus?"

Best Animated Feature: Happy Feet? George Miller wins an Oscar for this?

"Ladies and gentlemen, Academy Award-winning screenwriter...Ben Affleck." Heh. He introduces a compilation about writers featuring some great non-Oscar winning movies including Sunset Boulevard, The Player, The Front, and Barton Fink! Barton Fink! Barton Fink! By the way, look everybody, it's Prince!

And Get Shorty. Man, those were some good times. "Mission Impossible" plays.

Cle-ver.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Tom Hanks reminds me of his great writing debut, That Thing You Do!, which I watched not a few days ago. Talk about a film teeming with "Hey, It's That Guys!" not the least of which including Clint Howard and (appropriately enough, for tonight) the beloved Obba Babatunde.

10:01 PM

After mulling over making an appointment with my dermatologist or not, I see a fashion tableau of the Best Costume Design nominees. Love, love, love the Star!Fakes(TM) brand Queen look-alike and Eddie Murphy "dancing" in place.

Totally reminded me of that spastic breakdancing guy from "Chappelle's Show."

Best Costume Design: Milena Canonero for Marie Antoinette. It's pretty. All of the predictions I had to change were right (this and Dreamgirls for mixing)!

Yes! It's America's favorite clown prince, Tom Cruise. He's here to award the Jean Hersholt to Sherry Lansing and I totally geek out. What a great role model.

10:10 PM

"And now for my favorite part of the show...Talk to the audience?"

Best Cinematography: Another guy named Guillermo for Pan's Labyrinth, which makes me think of Jimmy Kimmel's "The Pizza." Guillermo...Guillermo.

10:20 PM

How has it been this long without them giving out a Best Supporting Actress?

Best Visual Effects: Robert Downey Jr. Just kidding. Class act all the way, and by far now the least embarrassing "SNL" vet who was nominated for an Oscar and didn't win. At least he was grateful! I get Pirates right, thankfully.

That "doctor" dig just seemed kind of cruel.

TWO FUCKING HOURS LATER and we're still on...

Best Foreign-Language Film: Presented by Catherine Deneuve (still glamorous) and Ken Watanabe. They show Borat in the audience with his hot wife. We get the obligatory close-up of a filmmaker in his prime given the worst seat in the house (Noah Baumbach last year, Giuseppe Tornatore this year). And, after a lengthy tribute to past foreign film Oscar winners, the winner is...

Wait, how come Cate Blanchett and Clive Owen get to present instead? Oh, well, maybe because they're younger and prettier and, oh yeah, speak fluent English.

Anyway, if you don't know which movie won, clearly you haven't been alive. It's The Lives of Others for Germany, and whatever, another one I got wrong, again.

He thanked Schwartzenegger. Damn.

10:33 PM

Pilobolus makes the Snakes on a Plane logo and this is so all worth it. A few more awards to go! George Clooney does his crazy liberal schtick and presents.

Best Supporting Actress: You know, I always thought Hudson was technically the lead and probably should have gone up against Mirren for the big prize. But, no, they had to cheat. SHENANIGANS! Anyway, Hudson wins and it's an award well-deserved...EVEN THOUGH THEY CHEATED TO WIN.

I get the feeling this may be the high point in her life. Like, when the original woman from the Broadway show (who, by the way, won the Tony for Best Lead Actress, thank you very much Tony nominating committee, and who Hudson rightfully thanked right when they piped in the "Please get off the stage" music) showed up on the E! preshow, and talked about how hard it was to top that one career-making performance? Sad. As in pathetic. As in, this'll be her only win...

I should probably link to that YouTube video of the original Dreamgirls Tony Award performance right now out of respect and pride for J-Hud. Damned if you're not cheering for her to dump Curtis Taylor's lazy ass by the end of it, too!

Mark my words, Heather will be the first one kicked off this year.

10:44 PM

Damn, I missed the winner for Documentary Short while looking for that clip! Ah, well, I feel tempted to put up this one of Ben Harney's Tony win for Best Actor. I'll worship Julia 'til the day I die, but that was one award well-deserved. And the high point of his life, clearly. I just love watching those old, vintage Tony Award clips on YouTube, especially the acceptances. Mainly because of the fashions. Whatever. For the record, the "four guys" were Fred Poitrine, Val du Val (and his Boom-Boom Girls), Bernie Buchsbaum, and Noble Eggleston.

And none of them even bothered to show up.

Jerry Seinfeld should be hosting this thing. He shows up and shouts-out Comedian, which should have won a damn Oscar, too. They give him some face.

Oh, after Jerry leaves the stage I am glued to those YouTube clips yet again. He was so young! And yet looked so mature! Oh, and this one. Check out DAG's fro!

Before I can ask why the title character of a musical can still be considered a supporting lead (Bill Hutton would have probably dispelled my problem with Hudson winning an Oscar anyway) we are treated to a truly awesome Ennio Morricone montage that doesn't skimp over the classic theme to The Mission.

By the way, The First was a musical about Jackie Robinson(!) written by Joel Siegel(!!). I have a CD that has two songs from The First on it, one of which is called, I shit you not, "There are Days and There are Days." DAG played Jackie.

The Celine Dion performance is surprisingly tasteful. And then...the key change.

This thing is so close to being over and I am so glad.

Hearing the words "Herschel Bernardi" again makes me happy.

THE REST OF THIS IS INTERMINABLE.

11:39 PM

A pointless montage on "The American Dream" includes "Top of the world, ma!" and "Seduce and Destroy!" If Little Miss Sunshine wins, prepare for at least a day of me griping about why they waited so long to support her winning.

They've taken so many pains to get this show to be tasteful, and THEY STILL HAVE PEOPLE APPLAUD DURING THE TRIBUTES TO PEOPLE WHO DIED!

"You know what he should have called that book? Yes I can, if Frank Sinatra says it's okay." This was a sad year, indeed. Show some love for Dodger, people!

Whoa. Basil Poledouris died. How did I not know that?

12:01 AM

You know what was awesome? Jeremy Renner on the Independent Spirit Awards. I hope Forest Whitaker even getting nominated piques interest in Ghost Dog. And the Best Actor Oscar goes to...Forest Whitaker, who was technically the supporting lead, but was the title character so whatever! He won! His path to the Oscars began when he "won a scholarship as an operatic tenor." Which probably explains why he sang a lot when he hosted "SNL." He wasn't in a musical. His speech is sweet, but everyone's too tired to even care.

How come they cut off J-Hud and not him?

"The original three amigos," as they are introduced, directors Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg. Lucas jokes about how he never won an Oscar just to make Scorsese feel better if he loses to one of the "amigos."

Martin wins. We can all die now!

12:14 AM

Almost an hour after the show was supposed to end, I get Best Picture right for the first time after several wrong years with The Departed. Just...finally!!!

How was there only one guy in charge of this train wreck?

Click here to watch a "Mad TV" parody of Dreamgirls.

Click here to see Bill Hutton's After Dark cover.

Click here to remind me to rent Ghost Dog again, please.