It's About Time.

Clyde's goin' tonight.

A few small concerns about the overall quality of the show: Not that they're doing anything wrong per se, but it's always helpful to register at least a few complaints. In case you couldn't tell, I am referring to my favorite reality show right now, "Dancing with the Stars." Actually, it's been my favorite reality show for about a year (or at least spanning two seasons) and, if you don't believe me, read some of my archived ramblings on "Why Joey Sucks" et al. First of all, I applaud this show for playing the upper hand and not acknowledging its enemies. Namely, "American Idol." Because, if you ever watch an episode of "DWtS" (as I tend to refer to it), you will see nary a reference, or even the use of a song by any of the "American Idol"s on the show. They're also very respectful (which, let's be honest here, you can't admit about ANY reality show today) to Broadway, and, likewise, quite a few alums are appearing on the boards.

Of course, applying a career post-"DWtS" is the easy part. They make such a huge deal over Fantasia and **Konstantin** appearing on Broadway, and, yet, nothing is said of the impending game show host-itis that seems to plague past "Dancers" (Tucker, Jerry, and now Mario replacing Bob Barker on "The Price Is Right," apparently). Maybe because, without knowing how to sing, the people on "Dancing with the Stars" are entertainers already. While the "Idols" might be perceived as rank amateurs otherwise. I don't know about you but I'm already wanting to see Harry and Lisa in "Chicago." To whet your appetite, she's going to be singing "Roxie" on tomorrow's results show, but I so wish Harry would come on and do "We Both Reached for the Gun" with her.

Anyway, on to the complaints. Florence Henderson. Florence Henderson!? We need to see more current celebrities when they show close-ups in the audience.

And speaking of currency, they need to utilize the orchestra more or, at least, choose songs that suit the band's needs. I know Harold Wheeler was the music director for "Carrie." He did the orchestrations, and at least knows his way around a Broadway production number. He's golden. But it's the four backup singers, who I've only recently taken to calling "The Angel City Four," who've been rankling me lately. Usually, with four people carrying out tight harmonies like that, you'd have someone sing the appropriate solo line (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, or Bass), with everyone else on backup the rest of the time. But when the music is all Shakira and Gwen Stefani, and they take turns trying to impersonate Shakira and Gwen Stefani, it's just plain disconcerting. I was perplexed trying to keep up with who was singing the vocal parts, and I think they were, too. Personally, they need to take it easy on themselves, and if you get the "Angel City Four" reference I made earlier, you're more pathetic than I am.

Also, note to "Notes from the Underbelly": Don't show Randy Graff in the preview if you ain't gonna show her anywhere in the hour special premiere. One hour of my life last week I will never get back, thank you very much. Although there's always "Boston Legal" and Rene Auberjonois on Tuesday, and I never miss that one on account of pausing to change the channel after "DWtS."

The music choices, I gather, are as un-current as you'd think otherwise. I guess when most of the hit parade today comes from Kelly and Daughtrey releasing singles like Eddie's ex-wife churns out babies, it's staggeringly hard to keep up.

All I know is, the whole time, they just don't even mention that "American Idol," or any network other than ABC even exists. It's like 45 minutes of Heaven. And maybe I was a little too harsh on Flo Henderson. I mean, I thought they showed Lewis Stadlen in the audience this week. My mom is a huge fan of his, so she'd probably be able to tell me if that was him or if it wasn't. Just keep Guillermo and I won't complain about any of this show's shortcomings from now on.

I know what you were thinking about Lance and Carlton: They're totally lovers!

Pshaw. The Bergeron may feed fires, but he doesn't fan flames. And he was surprisingly energetic tonight. Probably because the competition is finally feeling like a real competition. While there aren't any surprises on the caliber of "Jerry: Likable Guy!" and "Whoa! Emmitt got a lot better!" we still have Ian's mohawk and Joey's gradually turning into a sex God despite the paunch. If the judges keep criticizing, all the contestants will do is focus on the negative feedback. Clyde made some effort, but he planned his work around it. Put yourself in Clyde's shoes. You'd understand why he was even weaker than usual: Practice + Jet Lag + Getting paid to tell a room full of Chinese businessmen it's Suntory Time = Meh.

I don't know about you, but the Bergeron was probably told to make a big deal of the apparent double standard on "DWtS." Namely, that the men, as they do every season, are kicking ass. Well, I've always maintained that beauty queens never fare well on this show because they're told to pose, as opposed to move.

It's actually a lot like why women are so much better on "American Idol." What it is actually amounts to some stereotype anyway, and, in the wake of the Imus controversy, it wouldn't be such a good idea to state my sister's opinion of this.

Guillermo's still on the show. WE ARE GOOD.

I watched "Hannah Montana" just to see what kinds of kids are voting for Mr. Ray Cyrus. It's the tenuous David Lynch connection that keeps me from being a total skeptic, but, at this rate, all three of Billy's kids are better actors than he.

Kiddies, if you're going to vote for one of the bad ones, vote for Ratzenberger.

Hmm...What else? Apolo got the first 30 of the season, and it was well-deserved. Ratzenberger at least improved a little, and toned down his walrus arm-flaps.

Don't think the Weisslers aren't watching and taking "Follies" notes right now.

Not since the Great Synthesizer Scare of '89 has Broadway been so freaked out.

And I like it.

No, I didn't die.

Although a brush with a carving knife came dangerously close to taking my own young life tonight.

While I was on blogging hiatus, I took in some time to catch up on some YouTube goodies I missed. For one thing...how did I not know the "DWtS" inaugural civic center national tour had already started! Dude! In case you were wondering, yes, I am watching this season. As a matter of fact, I'm watching it right now. Yes, it's a chintZY recap show. Yes, I already watched last night's performances. Live and on DVR, as a matter of fact. But a rerun of "Dancing" on a weak night still beats any horrendously out-of-touch-with-America's-youth theme night "American Idol" has in store whenever, so all of you Fanjayas can stop spamming me now. It won't get me to watch any day.

Whenever I flip through channels and land on "American Idol," no matter what time it is or what they're doing, it's always the same thing. Some poorly styled twentysomething sings an overproduced version of an already dated song that's either 1. obviously off-key or 2. uselessly ornamented. The scary executive producer in the audience creepily tells everyone to either scream or clap or boo or whatever (usually while he's standing, although it looks like he really hates some of the finalists this year!). And the large black woman on the show is dressed for sabotage, because everyone knows large black women are superior to us in all forms of pop culture, and if they make all of these poor soulless white people sing Motown one week, soul the next, R&B the next, and "Philly Sound" well into next month, they're only going to pick the same three overdone numbers we've all gotten sick of, AND they're only going to look worse.

Anyway, I hate how the judges acknowledge how bad the show itself has gotten over how bad the contestants themselves have gotten. It's a damn shame, when you consider that it really exacerbates how "Dancing with the Stars" is a far superior show to "American Idol," in almost every way. While on "American Idol," the celebrity "guest coach" (which, by the way? WORST IDEA EVER. It's not like they have anything constructive to say besides, "Wow, pretty black girl. You sing a lot better than I ever did!") has to say something to the worst contestants, but it's usually this begrudging acknowledgement of the apparently unfixable. Like, "Yeah, Sanjaya. I have a public image to uphold and can't say anything bad about you, but we're really banking on a train wreck performance of some sort tonight...so I'd be a damn fool to not keep my mouth shut." At least we all knew Jerry could waltz by the end of last season. He was magnificent!

But Sanjaya? They're just not even trying when he's raking in the votes already. If it ain't broke, I suppose. Anyway, Jerry makes them look like rank amateurs.

Here's one thing you wouldn't know about me. I have never seen Chicago. Yeah, that's right. One of my favorite musicals ever and I've only seen the movie version. I've never seen it live in the decade-plus it's been running on Broadway. And I live for Broadway. Still, while I'm happy that Harry and Lisa are going to be leaving the tour to star in it and indulge the Weisslers' stuntcasting whims (and if you are a man truly after my own heart, you'd do student rush with me), I am kind of disappointed that the current Roxie and Billy have to take a mandatory leave of absence. I mean, come on: Lilith Sternin and Freddie Trumper? You people are spoiling me. Now I don't know when I want to see it!

Whatever. Since onetime celebrities who compete on cheesy televised ballroom dance competitions aren't unionized, I figured now would be as good a time as any to post Jerry's surprise guest appearance from the Columbus stop. I plain don't like Sanjaya.



The Kiddies luvz them some Jerrys!!

And while I'm at it, I'll substitute my current gambit for why I don't watch the "Idols" anymore, which many a person who's talked to me recently has heard repeatedly: As far as I'm concerned, James Naughton is the real American Idol. He's even better than Sanjaya.

I just want people to find me by Googling "Sanjaya."




Enjoy it while ya can. I know I mentioned earlier about the unions and all, and how it's really wrong, but I'd be losing my punk rock cred if I didn't post this, what, when the revival of the Living Theatre's The Brig is opening this month. !Viva la Revolutions! I won't do it anymore.

Man, that sleeveless Fosse dancer's got some guns on 'im.