March of the Poofters

I'm just going to get it out there once and for all: We now live in a society where Borat is the #1 movie in the country. But I have to wonder if Borat really is that famous yet. I think he's lived up to his own hype, judging from the movie itself; although, he's not really at that level of fame where rappers have started impersonating him in their videos. Until it gets to a point where Eminem or Cee-lo is on MTV dressed up in a scraggly, unkempt suit and a stupid moustache, I'm going to have to withhold judgment on this matter for a while.

Anyway, back to another pressing matter, the beloved "Dancing with the Stars." It feels fine for me to have a populist interest, for once. Not just Borat, but a setting where everyone in the audience - from suburban housewives to Ron Jeremy - has to dress up and show respect for old-timey (however kitschy) elegance. As evidenced by the NYT article on "Dancing with the Stars" I cited in yesterday's post - so funny because it is so, so true - and yet, I am just stymied about last night's outcome. And how it's going to affect tonight's results show.

A three-way tie? Seriously? They're copping out on us here! As if there was any doubt the show was rigged in some way...of course, maybe it's just Mario being a victim of circumstance. This was exactly what happened when he entered the Miss Bayside pageant those many moons ago.

The home audience was gypped last night. I know the interruptions and televised election results all go on in the name of civic duty, but I'm just saying that the last thing we needed was a whole half-hour of clips from "great results show performances" to start off the show - since the guys were only getting two dance routines each and the producers needed to add some padding. Well, how come they didn't show the Scissor Sisters? My older sister made a great observation about how all the music on this show is really orchestrated to appeal to old people: Lionel Richie, Rod Stewart, Tom Jones doing "It's Not Unusual." I really thought they were wasting our time with that. And I like Tom Jones!

This was another theme show that just happened to coincide with another important holiday on the calendar: Election Day. In honor of its observance, the Bergeron peppered the entire show with snarky commentary and lame jokes about the right to vote. For no apparent reason, the founding President of Namibia was the audience guest of honor. Wait, I'm confused. So, he's more or less important a foreign dignitary than the cast of High School Musical? The only thing I noticed about this odd placement was that he was seated firmly next to George Lopez, star of the upcoming Balls of Fury. Classy move, producers. I'm sure the audience in Windhoek really appreciated it, because this is exactly why Borat exists.

Tenacious D and Barry Manilow? I can't believe it. Now, the Black Eyed Peas and Barry Manilow? That I could see happening. Tragically. On the other hand, I so can't wait for "The Knights of Prosperity." Looks like "Earl" minus the white trash.

For some reason, ABC only shows the elections with Dem leads.

All right, let's get to some dancing that isn't prerecorded.

Mario started off the night with Havoc fave "Whatever Lola Wants" from the classic Broadway musical Damn Yankees. And it's a worthy routine to win three tens. I told my uninformed sister who the judges are: Carrie-Anne the indecisive one; Len Goodman, the ballroom purist who hates everything contemporary; and Bruno, the King of Hyperbole. Also, sometimes an indavertent perv when he's a little too nice with his notices. I've really sensed Bruno's rhythms and cadences in these last few episodes. Oh, if only I could upload an MP3 of my impression of him...

I really don't know who's going to get kicked off, and I'm kind of unsure about how I want it to play out. Everyone knows I hate Joey with a burning passion, but you've got to have someone to root against. Theoretically, I'd prefer Emmitt and Mario as the Final Two. They're just so damn talented! But Joey's a pushover for Mario, and he could conceivably sink Emmitt, unless Emmitt pulls it out real time and makes it to the Final Two anyway.

I'm just unsure as to whether ABC is pushing us to root for one or the other. I mean, you have Mario, inarguably the best dancer this show has probably seen; Emmitt, the underdog who's exceeding all expectations; and Joey, the cocky asshole. Are they setting up Mario as an underdog or a front-runner? Do they want him to win? Because, when they showed those videos of the finalists "hitting the campaign trail" (theme shows: gotta love 'em), they sent Emmitt to the NASCAR finals (NASCAR, football, and competitive ballroom dancing having a veritable crossover demographic) to appeal to a big stadium audience with a microphone, Joey to Disneyland (where he met his wife? Maybe the last time he was there he was shooting the obligatory "Blossom goes to Disneyland" cross-promotional ep), where he rode in the parade and did his dumb-ass jive to "Blue Suede Shoes" in full costume, and Mario to...his old high school in Chula Vista. I mean, seriously? Since he was a teen actor, I never would have guessed that the guy had actually gone to high school. Bayside notwithstanding.

By the way, to that little girl who said that seeing Joey dance up close was the highlight of her life: Clearly, you haven't lived.

Mario's next song was "Bad" and the whole thing was a trite and deliberate Michael Jackson homage. Because, when you want to get the audience on your good side, you choose an old song by a confirmed gay pedophile.

I'm sure Kenny Ortega loved it, though.

Anyway, dumb move, Mario. You were, seriously, the front-runner to win. I actually just said you were the true deserving winner of this! And, what did you do to seal the win? You did a Jacko routine, and it wasn't even to "Smooth Criminal." The real crime was that backup singer in the orchestra who sang the "Shamone!" while Mario grabbed his crotch.

My sister watched this, too, and she made another interesting observation about Mario's choice of Jacko actually being a good move. You know who else was saying he made the right decision on that? B-98 FM, the lamest radio station in the Greater Midwest. How lame is B-98? Il Divo could be its poster children.

Looks like K-Mart just hired Trey Parker as a spokesman.

See, now, Emmitt was Genuine Class. And his waltz is kind of his ace in the hole, when you think about it. He's placed with his waltz more times than Joey's done jazz hands or that damn knee slide (and, when I saw the preview for Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, I had a sad, sinking feeling that, if not for "Dancing with the Stars," Joey would probably be in a small, barren apartment, still practicing that very same knee slide on the carpet over and over to his wife's Kagelike bemusement), and, if he makes it to the final two, it'll be an oddly deserved upset. I think seeing a man of Emmitt's stature doing something like the waltz and actually making it look good is what's been keeping him this long in the competition. That or Bruno comparing him to the Grand Canyon.

He did his waltz to "At This Moment" by Billy Vera and the Beaters. I think the audience just started applauding him when they recognized that song from "Family Ties."

His Latin routine was to "Dance to the Music" (My sister: "Great song choice! They're gonna love him for this now."), and he really pulled it off. Typical Emmitt Smith, but, you try wearing those weird leopard-pring arm thingies and smiling about it. Insert Snarky Bergeron "He's got a few tricks up his sleeve...Wait a minute, he has no sleeves!" joke here.

My sister's take on Emmitt was unexpectedly racist and inherently Cartmanesque: "He's a black man. Of course he can dance."

I won't be upset if he makes it or not. Even if he does, hey, he might win.

Joey's first routine was to "42nd Street." He wore a sailor suit.

Seriously.

I really was looking for a 42nd Street picture to accompany this entry, of some leggy female dancers with big silver dollars on their heads. Just so you know, they still make silver dollars: The vending machine at my last temp assigment gave them out, and the Starbucks guy actually accepted mine as an adequate, however dated, means of payment. Twenty-three skidoo!

Joey, you are not Grover Dale. Grover Dale was classy. Grover Dale was in Les Desmoiselles de Rochefort. Grover Dale bagged Anita Morris. My point being: Grover Dale could pull off a sailor suit on a grown man. Meanwhile, at this point in the game, I'm seriously beginning to wonder if Joey actually loves his wife.

Anyway, here's where I should totally rip apart Joey's choice to wear a sequined sailor suit on national T.V., where I should rag on him for doing two George Michael routines and two Broadway musical routines, but I can't. It would be in very bad taste. Well, okay, I should at least clarify this:

The only reason he wore a sailor suit was in honor of his grandfather, who served in the Navy. Not because of any thoughts of Ugly Betty's nephew and his jazz-handing On the Town Halloween getup or anything. Okay, there was this surreal mo where they showed Joey acting/gushing to his grandpa over the phone about how proud he was going to make him by prancing around in a tight silk shirt appliqued with sequins, a neckerchief, and high-waisted pants doing jazz hands, and how this was going to be his big tribute to Grandpa Shaw. They showed his grandfather on camera holding a prop phone, but he didn't seem to hear or say anything in response to Joey's blatant fakeness. Okay, he makes one comment that could otherwise have been misconstrued as mean if they didn't pump in a laugh track while he said it.

So, then, they showed his grandmother, bless her, saying to either the camera or the grandfather that he should be proud of Joey for making this his tribute. And, just when he's about to get a word in edgewise, the second he opens his mouth, the camera cuts right to him passively gripping her hand!

I mean, this really was a classic moment in "Dancing with the Stars" history. Ten bucks says Grandpa Shaw says, "Tribute or not, I really don't want to see my grandson dancing around like some goddamn poofter." I really felt for Joey's cranky, conservative Grandpa after that. And Ugly Betty's brother-in-law.

And it probably would have been a little less embarrassing without the homemade day camp sailor hat with "SS Shaw" written on it poorly in blue glitter puff paint. Nah, still would have sucked ass. The sailor hat was just there for me to make fun of, as an added bonus.

To add insult to spangly injury, Joey toned all of his showy crap down for his Latin dance, and chose the wedding-tastic "Eternal Flame" (Sister: "Was this song on 'Dawson's Creek'?"). Which, admittedly, is playing to both sides of the coin: "Dancing with the Stars" being both the gayest and the Midwest housewife-centric prime time reality call-in show there is right now. And he just played it like the master evil he is, wearing a sleazy maroon silk shirt that wasn't even buttoned but still nonetheless tucked in, partner-dancing with Edyta and actually looking in her eye for a few seconds, leading with his balls...There was this weird moment I don't think everyone else saw, but it was played in the clips into oblivion, where he set her down on the floor, the floodlights came up onstage, and he gave the camera this sinister, menacing look, and I just up and screamed, "He's the Devil!"

Joey can still make everyone hate him as much as I do with what little time he has left on the show, regardless of whether he makes it or not. He just needs to sing a few bars of "Stay Forever" and he's done.

Next Time: In a West End town, the dead end world. The East End boys. The West End girls. And this better not be a wankfest like last time, Bergeron! You already lied to me about "Help Me Help You" actually being on last night. Three strikes, man.

You're two down, sucka.