Sickly Ballroom

All right, I give. I’m biased. I have a huge crush on Romany Malco.

It’s obvious the year is winding down. The commercials now are less “Walk Like a maaaan” and “How does it feel to be ohn yar awwwwhn!” and more “hey la hey la ‘cause Hess is back!” and “it’s the Radio City…Chrissssstmaaaaas shoooooowwwww!”

Also, “Dancing with the Stars” is winding down to a close. And, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Follies is coming back in its stead.

God willing, the wonderful Michael McGrath will be Buddy Plummer.

And the suspense is killing me. A Google News search on “Michael McGrath” only yielded this, as of last night. On the other hand, thank IMDB for reminding me of his character on “Mathnet.”

Maybe the Bergeron could play Dimitri Weissmann.

And then, there’s the obligatory presence of George Lopez. You don’t know why he’s always there in the same exact spot, but you know he’s supposed to be there for some cosmic reason? Man, if “Dancing with the Stars” was Lord of the Rings? He’d be Figwit.

I’d like to applaud this show for not treating its celebrities like crap. Did anyone else notice that, in this particular episode, they introduced each contestant “and his partner,” instead of the usual “and his professional partner”? That means Emmitt’s officially a professional dancer now!

So, it's nice to see them being treated with some respect.

My mom still can’t get over the first season outcome: “Who really won, anyway? Kelly or John? Between you and me, I think it was rigged!” We both agree that, after this episode, Mario had it coming. When he said he wasn’t a professional dancer? And just an actor and T.V. host who doesn’t really know how to dance? Bull…crap. No “actor” I know can do a pick-and-roll.

Ma Havoc caught on to this too: She said that while Emmitt’s weight loss from the beginning was increasingly dramatic and noticeable, Mario didn’t lose any weight because he’s had a dancer’s build the entire time.

Although, in some twisted sense Elizabeth Berkley was right: No matter what happens, this will most likely be the highlight of his entire life.

He is no longer “Saved by Bell" Mario Lopez. Now, he's "Dancing with the Stars" Mario Lopez. This could be like his celebrity coming-out party, his Star Mitzvah.

So, in a way, this show is really doing something right for presumed-dead careers. At least, it’s responsible for getting us, the viewers, to know these “stars” we would probably never even refer to on a full-name basis on a first-name basis only.

Now, on with ze show.

No musical guests. No SWOP demonstrations. Just show.

I have to say, they did a most excellent job recapping the season that was. Never mind that the judges chose Emmitt's "Sir Duke" and Mario's freestyle as the routines most deserving of being reran and the Slim-Fast guinea pig woman lost a ton of weight - it really did justice to how much this show was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. And I especially digged the "A Day in the Life" guitar chord they used to close out the video retrospectives. Very L'Artiste est Mort.

My roommate: "Okay, so are you just obsessed, somewhat obsessed, or totally obsesssed?"

All right. Once the crappy narration about who got kicked off what week was done with, they brought out all of the eliminated contestants to do small chunklets of the dance routines...that got them kicked off the show. That was both cruel and celebratory. But, since it took out most of the prime real estate on the hour results show, I might as well recap who did what.

Tucker (you know who) went first and did a very clunky step to "Dancing in the Streets." He didn't use the chair or any other crazy props, and he didn't wear his bowtie. At least he tried to dance, unlike some past contestants on this show. Still, it's not like he was Master P. Tucker moved, but he was about five beats off from whatever the band was playing. Then Shanna came out in some weird fringy thing. I love how the choice of song was "Jump" by Kris Kross, and they had the presumed-dead backup singer girl "rap" it. Between this, "It Takes Two," and "Can't Touch This," it was like the "One-off street dancing class Rick took once in the late eighties" Greatest Hits show. Then Harry did his foxtrot to "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop. Really! It took me about ten seconds to recognize that one, too.

It's weird. You'd never think a dude who seems as dapper as Harry Hamlin would be a really terrible dancer. He has no rhythm whatsoever. And if he could tame Bubo the electronic owl, how come he can't master the pasodoble? God!

The roommate: "Totally obsessed."

And then Vivica came out to do her pasodoble to Bon Jovi before everyone joined in at the end, raising their fists in solidarity...or perhaps a minor tribute to Derek Smalls.

Yeah, maybe the "Dancing with the Stars" road show wasn't such a tantalizing idea after all. I suddenly don't want to buy tickets anymore if the whole thing is going to be like that, with the cheesy endings and photo-op shit. It's like when you see the American Idols live, and realize that ninety percent of the whole show is going to consist of unnecessary Motown tributes and Beach Boys medleys - replete with amateurish, jazz-handing choreography. To quote Company, wait for me, Harry! Wait for me!

Instead of taking on where Jerry's tribute to his doppelganger (er, daughter) left off, the Bergeron introduced Willa and Maksim's routine to "Every Breath You Take," which, in retrospect, was pretty freaking bad. Sara did her country jive to "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" and the audience went crazy. Good on her for showing up and dancing! Well, given the circumstances. Although, my mother tells me she showed her face on the CMA Awards this week and sang, so I guess it's less impressive. Still, she's reaching a wider audience...or, at least, me. Then Jerry did his Latin routine with the maracas and crazy facial expressions. That audience loved him, too! And Monique and Louis did their acrobatics-heavy jive to "The Heat is On," ending with Joey foxtrotting all over Gene Kelly's grave. Um, I mean doing his stupid routine to "Singin' in the Rain." Actually, I kinda liked watching it this time around. Maybe because it was shorter. Sue me. And then everyone danced with him and stepped forward for some stock wedding-cake-ready plastic group pose. Jerry just couldn't stop laughing. Well, he can't belive it either.

We were also treated to a funny video with the friends and family (Roger Staubach! Troy Aikman! Uh...Elizabeth Berkley?) of the finalists oohing and ahhing over how great they've become at dancing.

Anyway, after all was said and done, we got through all of the crappy sentimental tributes to Emmitt's bygone spare tire, we saw Emmitt winning and the Orchestra leading a rousing lounge arrangement of (what else?) "We are the Champions."

I'm so glad somebody else noticed Mario's bitch face at the end.

All in all, it was a great season, and I'm glad I watched. It's not so rare that I get addicted to T.V. shows or general pop-culture ephemera - but it is rare that it becomes something as popular and cheesetastic as "Dancing with the Stars." Even though I came to it pretty late in the game, I'm glad I stuck around. At least we kept Jerry on for as long as we did. And Joey didn't win! Emmitt did! He even wore Hammer pants and did scissor kicks. So, yay us! I'd like to say that right now I truly love America. And I. Love. Dance.

So, I leave you now with one of my fave dance routines ever:



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