Halloween Fright!

In honor of today, something truly scary...



Getting Away with Murder.

The only straight dramatic play Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Unpopular Havoc

And more of my dumb-ass opinions.

*I just saw the trailer for the new "Simpsons" movie. I hope they don't fuck this one up hardcore. Actually, judging by the few seconds of footage, I really hope that every joke in the damn movie isn't of the late-season "Homer says something really fast and then gets violently attacked" variety. Which is to say, every damn joke that is on "The Simpsons" now.

Well, there is Night at the Museum, which frankly looks like some movie Robin Williams would have made around 1996 or so. Although, when I saw that trailer, all I could think of was Homer Simpson going, "I know how to solve this...JUMANJI!"

*Another one of my creative casting suggestions goes ignored, with the race of the Darren Burrows character in Cry-Baby being decidedly changed. And, while I think the intention of this addition is good, I thought one of the smaller charms of the original film is its 180 from Hairspray being a happy, subversively honest movie about racial integration, and instead, being just plain suversive and featuring an all-white cast: Half-squares, half-trash. All of the characters in Cry-Baby are stereotypes anyway, whereas Hairspray actually did a load of good in promoting the Polish Catholic women of Baltimore as all-around good people. And, if they make A Dirty Shame into a musical? Well, I don't know if that would be as awesome as this.

Awesome as me guessing most of the Halloween costumes in Free Country, U.S.A.? I got all of them except for Poopsmith and Strong Mad. The Chaps have really outdone themselves this year. Coach McGuirk? Gizmo? Tony Clifton? Molto Mario? Hilarious!

And Coach Z. Man!

U-n-i-t-y.

Dopey Showgirls in Gooey Gowns and then some...

Since I still have to clean the apartment and am procrastinating (Lazy Friday, fools), I figured I would write about Broadway's Greatest Gifts: Carols for a Cure Volume 8. It is a CD I am listening to right now as I type this, and it's really improved from last year. Actually, every year, the Broadway community comes together for a benefit album, and the proceeds go to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. Each cast of a show running that season records a song, and it allows for some of them to get a little crazy with their choices, like the cast of Sweeney Todd doing a disco-funk version of "Deck the Halls," where the guy who plays Judge Turpin goes, "You're in a merry mood today, Mr. Claus!" or Fiddler on the Roof getting the guy who wrote "Light One Candle" to sing it with them. It's pretty cool, even if it does come out unusually early for a Christmas album.

Conspicuously absent from this CD? The Grinch. How interesting.

But it's fun to see which cast members actually deigned to participate in this project, and which ones bowed out. Usually, some third-string understudies or chorus members, and people who have either been in the show forever, or have been switched to another show the year after. Which is kind of funny and fascinating in its own way, seeing who's stayed and who's transferred after a year, and who hasn't. Way to go dude from The Producers who's been in that show since the very beginning. That's really, really awesome!

(I'm a little wary of posting names on the blog now. I'm afraid that not all of the people who Google themselves every single day will be nearly as cool or as nice as Lucy Brown.)

Anyway, it's an improvement from last year, in that they couldn't find a real balance between the funny Santa/Hanukkah Harry-type songs and the deadly serious Jesus ones. This year, they made the CDs a "Nice" Disc 1, and a "Naughty" Disc 2 that has all of the comedy numbers on it. Some of the highlights so far:

*The Jewish, black, Korean, Buddhist, gay, and Filipino cast members of Spelling Bee singing a Tenacious D-style ode to "December's Other, Less Famous Holidays," complete with beatboxing and pumped-in arena rock stadium sound effects.

*Altar Boyz' hilarious "Billie Jean" parody about Mary Magdalene, which is actually pretty funny, coming on the heels of that weird tango to it on "Dancing with the Stars" two nights ago.

*Les Miserables doing something right by letting only Inspector Javert get a song in edgewise. How do they get so many people on that revolving stage anyway? I guess some of them don't even sing and just move their lips instead.

*Kiki and Herb. Please come back!

*The cast of Spamlot singing about their manger-born savior, who, as it turns out, is most definitely not Jesus.

*Company's "Auld Lang Syne," singing and playing their own instruments. I've really been looking forward to this show, honestly, because it's not just the post-Monkees novelty of actors singing and playing their own instruments that gets me hooked. You've got so many people who probably wouldn't have been seen for most shows today getting to strut their stuff on Broadway, in a Sondheim show, no less? It's awesome. Where do they find them, anyway?

If I was laying bets on who's been practicing lately and who hasn't picked up their instrument since middle school band? Based on this track? Everyone sort of gets their own little varying from clunky to slightly adequate instrument solos, but there is one person playing the cello over the whole band who just takes it to town. Maybe it's just me thinking that this arrangement sounds very much like a Christmas version of "Still Hurting" from The Last Five Years, or maybe I just like when some musicians flaunt how good they are just by playing a bunch of sixteenth notes in rapid succession. Like, how Yo-Yo Ma's pretty much made a career out of that? It still sounds really pretty!

Although, someone in this show does play the synthesizer. Just tapping out the bass line on her keyboard set. I shit you not. You'd better do something interesting with that, Sondheimy!

*The Drowsy Chaperone's "Rockin' Christmas Angel," CBC-style, eh!

I don't like Mary Poppins. Honestly? I think this Disney crap has gone too far. It just sounds so manufactured and focused into oblivion. Man, I can't believe my dad wants to see this show when it opens. I never really cared for the movie, and those penguins used to creep me out. Although, I have a theory that most people can't really watch Mary Poppins unless they're totally high.

Also, The Wedding Singer has Constantine singing "The Hanukkah Song." Right. You know, I didn't watch "American Idol," and I've never heard this guy sing, but actually, he really does sound a lot like Will Forte's parody of him from "Saturday Night Live"! Unsurprisingly, the guy who plays Alexis Arquette's role in the show covers most of the real singing parts for him.

It is pretty cool, however, to see that two of the Altar Boyz from last year are credited among the Wedding Singer cast. Way to move up the musical theatre food chain, boyz!

I did treat myself to another early present a few weeks ago by buying The Gay Guide to Broadway. Which also makes for some very funny and incredibly kitschy re-gifting. Is it so wrong that I never noticed that the late Christopher "Mr. Belvedere" Hewett played Roger de Bris in The Producers movie until many years later? I still think it's hilarious.

I'd just like to state that I never once doubted Bobby in Company being totally straight. I don't believe the whole thing about him supposedly being a gay stand-in for Sondheim, and the reason he doesn't choose romance over having a social life is because he's only being real.

Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, though? Not gay, just freaky.

This "High School Musical" crap has gone too far.

I don't get why Monique Coleman is considered a celebrity.

She's on "Dancing with the Stars." That should probably clear up any confusion, but I thought the show was sort of ironically titled. Because the "dancing" isn't too difficult, and the "stars" tend to err more or less on the side of "has-beens." Or, in Monique's case, "never-was," because I have no clue who she is, was, or is supposed to be. I know she was in something called High School Musical, and it was produced by Disney, and the ABC Network is owned by Disney, which is probably not entirely coincidental. But if she outlasts Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, or - God forbid - Emmitt Smith, we're all fucked. Because the teenyboppers would win.

Actually, strike that. I could do without Joey.

It's the same reason I'm upset about our local theatre group canceling its plans for a Sondheim show to do the live stage version of this High School Musical...thing. Made-for-T.V. movie whatever it is. A little background about me without revealing too much: I started out doing professional theatre when I was in high school, but, to some extent, my mom had to sneak me out of the house to audition for it. It was an amazing training ground, and I got to work with some of the college kids who were at performing arts schools, but it might also have vaguely contributed to my parents dropping the battle axe and forbidding me to actually go to a performing arts school. Still, a part of me is actually glad I grew out of the local theatre scene by the time I went to college, because, by that time I realized that they always do the same few shows every year anyway. And, besides, all of the shows I tend to ask them to consider are on the "banned" list - can you believe they have a banned list? - because it would upset the Christians/Republicans/presumed Chickenhawks: A Little Night Music (polygamy and incest); La Cage aux Folles (the gayness); Once on This Island (depicts a society with multiple deities); Cabaret (you figure it out).

Anyway, they've instated a new rule that only local high school kids can be in this show. And they're asking them to do workshops and learn the songs to audition for it so hundreds of them can ultimately be rejected. They're not even letting the college kids in on it, even if they do look really youthful. And the worst thing about it is, my mother told me last night that, if I was in high school right now, the circumstances would have been much different than they were years ago, and, not only would she have let me audition, she would have supported me if I had made it. Maybe because I wouldn't have been built up and ego-tested like some, or maybe because my ultimately being rejected would have led me to become a great psychologist instead. Leading me to believe that I probably wouldn't have stood much of a chance anyway, because I'm only human, and did you see those creepy-ass kids from High School Musical on the show last night? They were freaky-looking! Like a company of clones devised by a market research team. They looked like they didn't belong on the set with all the normal adults. And it just made me think: "Is this what it takes? Seriously?" I don't know why, but I find it unsettling that High School Musical is taking its ranks alongside the same few shows we do every year as soon as it is. And there's nothing wrong with the classics. But, when you look at it, High School Musical is still a freaking made-for-T.V. movie, determined by a focus group, created for the information age, and embraced by morons. I probably wouldn't consider it a traditional book musical, but whatever. It still isn't Gypsy.

Maybe it's my early-twenties jadedness creeping in here, but I grew up watching Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence on T.V. And, to a lesser extent, Emmitt Smith. They were as much an integral part of my childhood as The Sound of Music. But that's not the point. All's I know now is, no matter how rough my Tuesday may have been, I know I can always come home and be greeted with that regal fanfare of "da da da da DUM!" that only Harold Wheeler and the "Dancing with the Stars" orchestra can provide. As far as I'm concerned, my T.V. watching schedule is pretty much governed by Turner Classic Movies, G4, Sci Fi, and "Dancing with the Stars." And if they really want to hook viewers in, then they should make with more "dancing" and less "stars." Which is exactly what they did last night.

Maybe it is me after all. Whenever they showed Joey Lawrence's brother in the audience, I had to do a double take.

I mean, what else is there to write about? Mario is kicking ass, Emmitt is pretty much filling the void that Jerry is going to leave when he inevitably gets kicked off tonight, and Joey hasn't been this inherently evil-seeming since he had that mullet on "Blossom."

You know what they should do? They should show that clip of him in blackface on "Silver Spoons" before he dances every time, so the audience has another insubstantial reason to hate him. That would be awesome. As it is, when he did that "tribute" to Gene Kelly in Singin' in the Rain for his foxtrot, and my whole body was cringing in horror, it wasn't just sacrilege. It was scary. Far beyond that guy who did it off-key on "The Muppet Show" way back in tha day. I can't help but wonder if there were any other viewers who were thinking the same lightning-related thoughts I was last night. Or, at least, holding out for an umbrella mishap of some sort.

I know I harped on his love of jazz hands and audience attention last week, but this week, Joey was making the creepiest facial expressions towards Edyta Slavinski. He was giving her raspberries on her belly button during his routine in the Latin round, which made it look like he was doing the most sinister Jell-o shots ever.

He also had the second-worst song choice of the night: "Mambo #5." It's probably me, because I always found that song inherently hilarious until I realized I was one of the names getting a shout-out, for better or worse. I can't imagine what it's like for Matthew to live in Joey's shadow - although, I'll bet he's still the mother's favorite. It's not like he's Pablo Schreiber and his older brother is the Greatest Actor of His Generation, but I'll bet his web site address is www.joeylawrence.com/matt. He sucks that hard. Joey was just wrong in all kinds of ways. Well, his Latin round costume was fine, but even he managed to fuck that up by cutting off the sleeves.

Although, if that bitchin' set really is an Italian restaurant, I can only imagine what it was like when that kid with the scary hair from High School Musical tried to go up to the bar. Or how the waiters felt about that. "Ey, Luigi! It's Mr. Guglemanza and some-a real ugly kid!"

The worst song choice of the night, however, went to Emmitt. He got stuck with some bizarre arrangement of a song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the waltz, but I have to hand it to the guy. He's becoming my new favorite. It's not just wonderful to watch him try - both dancing and getting a pedicure in the rehearsal footage - but he actually has a gift for dancing. Maybe it's the endzone, but he's really taken it upon himself to improve and step up to the insanely high level Mario's on without being an arrogant jackass about it. And, in this day in age where Tucker Carlson and Master P can only get so far in the contest without even attempting some of the moves that Emmitt's done, let alone actually dancing, it's great to watch him come out of his shell and show us a totally hidden talent he's kept locked up for years. Not to mention that his facial expressions are a joy to behold. He really loves dancing! And he's getting really good at it, too, somewhat unlike Jerry!

Poor Jerry. He's going tonight and even he knew it. I think it was a very un-subtle message when he chose a song for his waltz that began with the line, "And now the end is near." When he kept mentioning death in his interview segment? It was almost like he was losing interest in how well he probably could have done in the second round. It was awful to see him screwing up those arm rolls. And he even resorted to using a deck of cards as a cheesy prop.

What was that song they used for his Latin one anyway? Something where the refrain was the phrase "Onomatopoeia" repeated over and over again by the chorus girls, I suppose. Although, at least he got a nice costume for that routine. Really made him look like a plantation owner. Or a cigar smoker. Or a cigar...plantation...um, owner. Even though he was positively graceful in the first round, even getting a standing o from the judges, his moves that time only gave off the impression of your Uncle Morty dancing the conga at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah.

Another thing...What was up with Len Goodman's constant penis references? Was he saying that Mario and Joey are real men in spite of their vested interest in ballroom dancing, or perhaps because of, or what? I know he was talking about how they had "no balls," meaning to not lead the dance steps with their heels, but he also made some lewd gesture that I can only assume they cut away with the camera, because he was describing what prevented Mario from earning a perfect score...and it was hella weird!

The Latin round was interesting. They had to Mambo, without any cheesy rehearsal videos leading them into the routines. Also, the songs were longer, which was probably why Jerry looked so out-of-breath.

When Mario did his first dance routine to "I Wanna Be Loved By You"? Again, not-so-subtle messaging. Especially since he was mugging for the judges' table during that whole song.

He's probably my favorite to win. You know, I wouldn't be sad if the final show came down to Emmitt and Mario. Emmitt because he's emerged as the new sentimental favorite, and Mario, because he is the best. Again, Emmitt's really stepped up, and he's totally made up for Jerry not dancing as well as Emmitt is now. Emmitt's not as much as a sentimental favorite anymore as he is a forced to be reckoned with. Well, it was kind of cool to see Jerry last as long as he did, but Bruno is right. We're getting hardcore now!

Monique wasn't as good as the judges made her out to be in the first round. Partly because the song they stuck her with was this weird, syncopated arrangement of a song from Guys & Dolls (again with the showtunes!) and they couldn't stay on beat with their steps even if they tried; and partly because she was wearing this costume that made her look like a gigantic purple feather duster. Parents of America, I implore you, is this what you want your kids to become? This terminally unhip thing is funny and ironic when people like me embrace it, but when they showed that rehearsal video of her "shopping" with Ashley Tisdale (who? Oh, yeah, the creepy girl with the scary hair and teeth from you know damn well what), and dragging poor Louis Van Amstel along to act bored and embarrassed, making goofy faces at the camera and running around in fast-motion while holding a comically huge number of shopping bags - no shit, I sat up from my seat and screamed, "Is this fucking Playhouse Disney now?!"

Her second song was "Reflex" by Duran Duran (I shit you not! It was a Latin version anyway), and the High School Musical kids with the bad hair and teeth in the audience looked creepy. And it was unsettling to see them applauding her doing these risque dance moves while showing so much skin. The judges loved her anyway, but as long as it prevents her from making the top three, I guess I'm happy. I have a feeling that she probably will, based more on the audience votes and less on the krump-unhappy judges' table, but, man. That sucks that they put "Laguna Beach" and "Project Runway" on opposite each other, because that makes it technologically impossible for me to tape tonight's results show. If Monique gets kicked off, and I know she won't, please...holla. It would just seem so positively Keibleresque if that actually happened.

The Bergeron noted that Monique is still the youngest contestant on this, and has on Jerry about twenty more years. That's not creepy at all! Man, this whole "comeback" thing the show tends to (however inadvertently) stand for sure isn't working out the way they want it to. This was best exemplified during Mario's first rehearsal video thingamajig, when he said he was waiting for his agents to call back about his next high-profile acting gig - and he was doing his whole interview segment while holding and gesturing with a very active cell phone. He was slightly redeemed when they showed him visiting his newborn niece for the first time, but, man, a family function? That is not something you would take your "Dancing with the Stars" partner to. Not even a wedding. Or your cousin's Bar Mitzvah, for that matter.

Mario, apparently wearing Anthony Hope's costume from the recent Sweeney Todd revival, didn't do so bad with his second routine, "Shake a Tailfeather," which isn't so much "Latin" as it is "bad 'American Idols' medley," but his facial expressions nearly ruined it for me. Never mind that he's light on his feet. His mouth was gaping wide open when he was doing that mashed potato! Honestly, I liked this routine so much better when he did it in hot pants with Kelly Kapowski at the Max and they were called The Spandex Twins.

And, Bergeron? Way to work in that oh-so current Madonna ref into last night's show. I hope next week he says that Jerry was as uncomfortable doing the pasodoble as Borat in a room full of Jews.

Sit Down, John!

Turns out it was George Washington (and not Thomas Jefferson, as some might have been led to believe) who bore an eerie resemblance to Brent Spiner - per The Washington Post.



"Goddamn it, George! This is fucking stupid! I'm going back to my old job at NASA!"

Google It!

Sorry, folks.

Anyway, long story short: I had to get my computer disinfected after a virus pretty much shut it down. What it leaves me with now is a very primitive form of Microsoft Windows and the latent fear that this will probably happen again if I am not careful with the particular web sites I visit on this computer.

All things considered, if I'm updating remotely, this site will probably be back to what it was: hyperlinks, pictures, videos, downloads...but I just can't run the risk on this machine, and that means it's back to the one thing that got me registering with Blogger in the first place and pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane: Good old hypertext and the power of storytelling.

If you don't get an obscure reference...y'know.

Otherwise, everything's great. I'm happy about Helena Bonham Carter (do it!) and if this whole "Dancing with the Stars" thing doesn't work out, I'm thinking that this could open a whole new door in the realm of Broadway stuntcasting. Can't you just see it? Mario Lopez as...Adolpho!!

I don't like typos. Which is a shame, because the Windows overhaul saddled me with a dated version of Microsoft WORD. Heaven forbid Autocorrect forces me to fix a typo about someone named "Sarah Urinate." On the plus side, I have never been more in touch with my inner Grammar Nazi.

In terms of "Dancing with the Stars," I'm so glad I DVR'd the performance show, because then I wouldn't have something to watch while I write and edit names like "Uriarte." I'm also glad I didn't DVR the results show, because the moment Bergeron said that it was "shocking," I knew it was going to be like those "Idol" episodes that only air after someone quits the show, where no one actually gets kicked off.

They did a group dance routine with matching purple costumes. I don't know about you, but this is becoming more and more of a sideshow like every single week, and this week was no exception. Clowns! Disco Music! Funny Costumes! The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!

For shame, America. Jerry would've been kicked off if it wasn't for Sara Evans' terrible ordeal. He's the best thing about this show! Otherwise, what is there to say? I don't like Monique terribly much, and, now that all the blandos, like Willa and Vivica, aren't on the show anymore, it's all in your hands to keep the momentum going.

I'm sick of Joey. There, I said it. I can't stand the finger points. When he's dancing? If you watched the show, or, at least, catch the clips on "Entertainment Tonight," you so know what I mean. When he beckons to his professional partner all, "You no lead, I so lead. I am the best damn dancer on ABC television, and who are you? Nothing!" It's obnoxious and cocky. Joey strikes me as a guy who lives for the Jive. Perhaps because it's all presentational, and allows for more jazz hands and kicky gymnastics - a serious no-no according to Bruno Tomioli. No wonder the judges seem to have it out for him. I think he just likes anything that forces him to face the audience and play straight out to them, as opposed to looking his partner right in the eye, and thus having to share the spotlight with them.

Did you see how grim his wife looked when they showed the video of him rehearsing with his partner? I still can't get over the fact that they let him sing. There should be serious demerits for that. Joey is trying too hard to be the next Peterman. And he isn't even doing it the right way. When John O'Hurley was on the show, he wasn't just a master showman. He at least played by the rules! Joey still hasn't figured out the rest of the equation.

He did a routine to "Father Figure," and he wore a white linen dashiki, and it was creepy as all get out, but the judges loved it anyway, so, what do I know about this show? I know that it's a quite entertaining idea to show the audience examples of how the dancers do what they do at the beginning of the show, like they did this week. Sort of a living "User's Guide" to "Dancing with the Stars." If the hardcore dancers on Tuesday night weren't so captivating, I would've blinked and sworn that Harry Hamlin was still on the show.

Although? Sara? Why would you address the very serious reasons you left the show in a soft interview segment with the Bergeron? That's like telling Ralph Garman that you can't be around the "Joe Schmoe" cast anymore because you suffer from serious agoraphobia and have to leave the show to seek therapy. I liked when they brought out her professional partner to give her a nice hug. At least some good came out of this. She even got her ex-dance partner to choreograph her latest tour. Sure, it's still kind of classy that they did this for her...in that they kept the set totally silent and didn't pump in any maudlin show music. If this had been any other episode, she would have been involuntarily forced to waltz tearfully to an Earth, Wind, and Fire song.

And, yeah. Neck Smith? He's okay. But here's where I would make some crack about the woman whose name wasn't Ulli (you see how behind I am, people?) and what her husband thought of her collection, followed by some hastily uploaded photograph of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out.

It's Thursday and I don't want to do much of anything.

My Stupid Mouth

There are probably worse ways to spend your afternoon than formatting headshots, but I can't think of too many.

Still, lots of girls would probably kill to be in my shoes right now. On my time, I get to stare at pictures of Manoel Felciano for several hours. This is, of course, before I get to research another pending project...a marketing presentation...that I've probably spent more time talking about than actually putting into action.

Did I mention my computer is in the shop right now?

Guh.

I'm listening to Cry-Baby from the other room, and, if anything, it explains a lot about my childhood and the adult I eventually became. Probably because it is like the white trash version of Grease! only better. Did you know that Hatchetface's cute mama's boy boyfriend was from my hometown? High school hellcats!

I heard they are making a musical out of this. Either it's the assignments talking or the T.V. in the living room, but, if there is any justice in this world, I think Broadway has found its eventual Alison Vernon-Williams.

Celia. Keenan. Bolger.

Stick in Brian Charles Rooney in the Darren Burrows role, and you've got me, baby.

Of course, if you want to know who these people are (They're Broadway actors: the former I was staring at for minutes on end, the latter wasn't involved in anything related to the headshot formatting...he just looks a lot like the guy from the movie) look them up. I shouldn't care about that and neither should you.

Don't abuse your work files, Havoc. Using someone else's computer is damage enough. Telling her just now over the phone that said computer is in the shop because of a virus has pretty much shocked her into submission well into next week.

Shit, man.

Wishin'. Pickin'. Thinkin'.

Here are some thoughts to keep me on your mind for today:

*I rented The Notorious Bettie Page and loved it. What sensibly raunchy fun. Like I've stated many times on this blog, I'm not all up ons Broadway, but it's kind of hard not to think about that when so many Broadway actors were in this movie: Gretchen Mol, Chris Bauer, Jared Harris, Aaron Lazar...

Why isn't Lili Taylor a bigger star than she should be? Someone needs to give her the Agnes of God or Caucasian Chalk Circle her illustrious career so deserves. I mean, it's not like Julia Roberts was the only actress in Mystic Pizza.

Imagine, if you will somebody who was cryogenically frozen and had extremely steadfast opinions about the current state of movies. Someone like, I don't know, me. Imagine having to explain why Lili Taylor still isn't a big star yet.

Future Havoc: You'll never believe who won an Oscar.
Past Havoc: Julia Roberts? Reese Witherspoon? That talentless foreign whore who married Michael Douglas? That obnoxious chick from Jerry Maguire who couldn't act? Umm... Carly from "Beverly Hills, 90210"?
Future Havoc: Actually, all of them...and Sofia Coppola.
Past Havoc: So, Lili Taylor totally won an Oscar, too, right? I mean, if all those untalented, but nonetheless extremely popular actresses did, and Sofia Coppola did, and someone from "90210" did...then it should be a cinch for someone who can act circles around all of them, right?
Future Havoc: No, not really.
Past Havoc: (Pause) What about Ghost Dog, then?

Only time will tell, man. Only time will tell.

Although, I think the last thing I expected to see in this movie was Febrizio Nacarelli as a very, very bad man. Way to surprise me, The Notorious Bettie Page!

*This music video for the upcoming Broadway musical Spring Awakening. I've heard rumblings that this is going to be the next Rent. I've been completely indifferent about its existence, but this short clip is actually upgrading my opinion to somewhat fascinated by it.

Check it out while it's still on the site. By the time they take it off, you'll probably instead be treated to some old video of the kid playing Paul San Marcos in the Chorus Line revival singing "The Greatest Love of All" in an elementary school talent show.

*Best purchase of the week so far, I mean, besides the latest issue of Mad Classic and some cheap knockaround earrings, has to be South Park: The Hits, Volume 1. I agree with Matt and Trey on the best of the best! True that.

I did see the Jewtopia book at the store today, and it's an abortion in the third trimester. Which is to say, cultural homicide. Jews, I implore you, this shit is anti-Semitic tripe disguised as self-referential humor. This was best exemplified when someone asked me the following question: "What's a Jew's worst dilemma?" And then he said: "Cheap pork." If this is the kind of thing you find funny, then you'd be sophisticated compared to the douches who came up with Jewtopia.

I feel sorry for all the other struggling writers out there, who are working on these brilliant analyses of Jewish culture in the twentieth century, only to be shot down by shouting relatives at family dinners who just kvell, "We saw Jewtopia, and it was hysterical. It's all so true! We're so pathetic!" They don't just play to the lowest common denominator: They reinforce the stereotype that Jews hate themselves, and therefore will laugh at anything that makes fun of how inherently sad their unique cultural background is, as long as it's billed as "Jewish comedy." What it is is a moneymaking scam. Explain to me, please, what is so funny, and yet, so true, about the following: Jews have big noses. Jews are greedy. Jewish girls are often Japs. Jewish moms smother their kids. People who are not Jews tend to be anti-Semitic. Jews love money. Jews are cheap. Jews often get nose jobs. Monica Lewinsky was Jewish.

Someday, if this whole integrity thing doesn't work out, I will probably write a sketch play called Kikeland about shitty things that can happen when you register on J-Date. Believe it or not, all Orthodox men sound like Jackie Mason, and even Asian dudes put out better. Ka-ching!

*Reading assignments. I'm so not ready to pick that shit up again. I always had a short attention span for fiction, and settled on the last minute. Which is a completely different ballgame for anything else pertaining to academia. Perhaps this is why, when I set my sights on grad school, I look for the trade schools that offer as little reading as possible. Because that's what gets you work in today's world, right? Hands-on experience?

Everyone says, "You're the smart one, Havoc." Somebody in a very powerful governmental position recently told me I was smarter than her, and she has one degree up on me. Of course, I don't know if it's smarts or just opinion, but I've started seeing a degree as "that piece of paper," regardless of what it actually is. Please, as long as you're listening to me, I should let you know that the same people who imparted this advice on me told me to use my free time helping others. Because, you should live your life accordingly, people. It sounds really transcendental, but a good life, in my opinion, is divided between work, study, and help.

And those "people" know from it. One of them owns an orphanage!

Moving on...

*If you can find a cheap copy of A Mighty Wind, buy it. I scored one at the neighborhood thrift store for a buck, and that's a lot cheaper than they were hocking for the first season of "Popular."

*Honey turkey with Grey Poupon on whole grain bread. Sweet and sour at its best.

*The very first guy I ever crushed on who wasn't scared of me and/or didn't treat me like shit. Also, the first one I wasn't completely over by the time we became good friends. Stanley. Man, you were the greatest. Although, I've probably got Stan on the brain for some reasons that remain as yet unexplained. I usually don't crush on guys. Actually, I don't crush anymore, but for some reason I was thinking about him a lot lately. Because a few months ago, my best friend, who lives on the West Coast, called me out of the blue to tell me that his name was in the local paper (relax, kids, Johnny Law wasn't involved) and to ask me - total longshot! - if I knew the guy.

Not too many deets, his name just struck her.

So freaky!

*Vinyl. Suprisingly durable.

Goodness, How You Gush!

I have phone calls to return. I have a shitload of journal material to organize. I have three or four jobs that I probably should be applying to.

But, because it's Friday, I can't stop watching these YouTube videos of A Little Night Music at the Kennedy Center that were just uploaded yesterday.

"In Praise of Women"
"Later/Soon"

A slight note: I have the live CD of two of these people doing "Now/Later/Soon" at the Sondheim tribute concert last year, but I actually like Sarah Uriarte Berry better than Laura Benanti, who sang "Soon" on the CD. I think SUB (what awkward initials for an actress taking over the role) is more of an actress, commitment-wise, whereas Benanti's just a beautiful voice who doesn't really communicate the song's emotions as well.

But look at Henrik: He even got the fingerings right! Someone's been watching the movie!

Another slight note: That Henrik's from Forbidden Broadway. His big song was a parody of Sondheim about how they'll never revive Night Music in a million years. Right.

Although, dig that wall-shattering commitment to their roles. I like to play that first song whenever the roommate's coming back from a bad day at work.


Maybe next week we'll be treated to Emily Skinner singing "Poor Baby" in Company. Then and only then will I not get any damn work done.

It's no surprise and Rusty wins.

All right. Can we talk about "30 Rock"? Please? I'm sure we all have our own opinions about this fabulous idea for a show, but maybe there was something lost in the execution - because I, for one, was Debbie Disappointed. Cue: Wah-wah.

Make no mistake: Tina Fey getting her own non-"SNL" T.V. show is like a Messianic event for me. She's my own personal career deity, as far as I've concerned. But it was the little things that irked me. Like that not-so based on Jimmy Fallon character who was laughing at his own jokes and constantly looking at the camera (even in scenes that didn't take place on the soundstage! Okay, that was hilarious.)? It seemed like I had seen that before, and I had, in a rerun of the "Family Guy" that was on when I left the DVR running after it. Well, except in that version, Peter Griffin pwns him and says, "Who do you think you are, Carol Burnett? She earned it, bucko!" And the vaguely unsettling feeling that I am finding something on "Family Guy" somewhat funny, after comparing it to something that came from Tina Fey's iMac.

Or the fact that every commercial in real life was for the fake product supposedly invented by Alec Baldwin's character? Things just seemed so thinly-veiled, (real shout-outs to Carol!, Tracy's posse, and Dennis McNicholas, I suppose) and yet, it seemed like she was sort of phoning it in. Maybe a staff could help, but then we'd lose her brilliantly unique style.

And, yeah. Nice move, NBC. Replacing Dratch with one of the original members of Starlight Express? Way to recast.

Anyway, while I'm on the tangent of morbid fascination (with actors on rollerskates, and...um, actors! On! Rollerskates!), I should note here that I'm genuinely invested in this show. I'd take Fey's unusually high self-esteem masquerading as self-deprecation over Aaron Sorkin's much-less thinly-veiled self-loathing disguised as a hatred of everyone else anyday. I have no doubt in my mind that maybe the show could get better. Maybe if Fey puts her mind to it. Maybe when they incorporate a fully-accomodated writing staff. Who knows?

Come on, Stamatina. I only want what's best for you. And I know you'll salvage the good out of whatever wreckage was left in the wake of last night's "30 Rock" pilot. If anyone can do it, it's you. I mean, even Anaxerxes managed to exempt the Levites from taxation. And do you know why I'm comparing you to a semi-minor New Testament figure? Because you're worth it.

And if you're there, and if you know, then show me which way this show should go.

Always turning back too late from the...thing...or the dog or the tree or the light...

Hey, look! Normal, the unique eating disorder/education/theatre outreach program I am currently working on has a blog!

Also, read this great interview with Donna Lynne Champlin. You will feel a lot better about yourself for having done so.

While I'm procrastinating (and I really thought yesterdays "Indian Summer" was going to last all week...so not used to the grey overcast), I should at least note here a few feelings (and links) I need to get off my chest.

A Dubya impersonator? Babsy, how could you? I'm a moderate independent and even I'm offended. Not because of my political affiliations per se, but because of your apparent taste in groan-worthy Vegas lounge act comedic gambits.

This is class. A book tour that not only involves excerpts, but Dancers Over Forty! I had a dance class once taught by one of the members of that group, and I truly hope their show finally gets off the ground.

Sad things can truly happen in this world. Happily, the Theatre Hall of Fame couldn't have picked a better rogue's gallery of inductees than this year's. Leading me to believe I have more of a chance in fifty years by just being fabulous and less of a chance if I crap out a series of lame, hoary, stereotype-driven jokes pertaining to J-Date (hey, isn't that a stupid idea? An online dating service for Jews? Apparently, it is quite popular among the kids), Orthodox virgins, and the fact that Jewish vegans who don't shave their pits or wax their ethnic bushes are probably lesbians, that nonetheless could probably yield a huge advance if I somehow even try to get it out there. Well, maybe my mom's Synagogue group will finally appreciate my writing.

Right now, I can't get "Finishing The Hat" out of my head.

Pease See Showboat

Havoc on DVD: Old Tony Awards Performances, Part III

Part I
Part II

Robert Goulet introduces the cast of the second revival of 42nd Street. I remember this! They did it as an intro to the Tony Awards, a whole pre-taped music video of the dancers tapping through Times Square to get to Radio City Music Hall, and then cutting to the dance routine live on stage. I remember they did this for Smokey Joe's Cafe, too. When they ran down the street singing "On Broadway" and then came onstage to finish their number. And they kept promising the cast was going to sing again at the end of the show, but they ran out of time (apparently, according to cast member DeLee Lively in this book, they were already in costume and ready to go when they got the axe). But my sister loved that one, because she was obsessed with the fact that there was a really, really short guy in that show. As opposed to something like 42nd Street, where everyone has to be the same exact height and weight or it doesn't look interesting.

"Whatever Lola Wants" from Damn Yankees. This is from another one of those damn retrospectives, but there are these weird freeze-frames and pans to the audience, just sitting there in silence, because Gwen Verdon and Ray Walston were probably just getting to be very old, and it wasn't so much sexy as it was stupefying. It's really short.

You know what song in this show kicks ass? "Two Lost Souls." Even when they changed it in the revival and had Lola sing it with Mr. Applegate instead of Joe Hardy, it still kinda made sense. But my opinions are pretty unpopular, and I usually tend to like things that everyone else hates, so take it with a grain of salt. Speaking of: I also remember, the year Smokey Joe's was nominated for Best Musical, Jerry Lewis was in Damn Yankees and introduced the numbers from every nominated show in full costume as the Devil. That was awesome!

"Into the Woods" from Into the Woods starring Vanessa Williams as the Witch. I always felt sorry for that poor actor in the cow costume. Everyone gets baffled by that score, anyway, so I guess a big plus is that he didn't even have to worry about the lyrics. The woman playing the Baker's Wife is trying way too hard to not summon Joanna Gleason's tics and mannerisms. Same goes for the uber-bland Baker, who was probably tenuously avoiding having any definition, lest he incur the wrath of original Baker Chip Zien. John McMartin (the original Ben in Follies!) is the Narrator. He sings more than any Narrator I've ever seen in this show. I heard stories about MaryLouise Burke, who played Jack's Mother, and had never sung before a live audience. I guess they gave most of her solos to McMartin. I'd be more worried about Jack. He's annoying!

And there's super-cute Laura Benanti as Cinderella (Was this when she was still a teenager?) and Gregg Edelman as her Prince (Was that shit still illegal?). I heard one of the major problems in this version was this deliberate need to tweak or change every little detail from the original version. Like having the princes, Edelman and Christopher Sieber, full-on belting the word "wives" on the "Agony" reprise - which was effing funny when Chuck Wagner and Robert Westenberg whispered it in the original. Also? Getting rid of the Big Bad Wolf's strap-on genitalia. Dumb move, Senor Lapine.

I have no doubt in my mind that my parents hate Sondheim (yes, it's true), because their conceptions of him are based almost solely on the shows he wrote with James Lapine (which are full of angst, death, and thinly-veiled issues pertaining to biting the hands that feed them), and not the ones he wrote with people like George Furth and James Goldman (which are only sort of angsty and death-obsessed). As a friend of mine said once, "They hate Sondheim? How could you ever be related to them?"

As a tribute to the late Jerry Orbach, new host Goulet introduces "She Likes Basketball," a wonderful clip from Promises, Promises, but he pronounces Burt Bacharach's name like "BACK-ER-A-RACK." Of course you're sober, Bobby. Was he still in La Cage when he did this? You know what? Promises, Promises is still one of my all-time favorites. When are we going to get a real Burt Bacharach musical? Not, like, some crappy revue of his songs, but a musical with a plot structured around some of his best songs? He already wrote an original musical, and they already did a revue, so you know it's only a matter of time, anyway. Even though I hate the genre, I still maintain that his catalogue, along with those of Elvis Costello, Ben Folds Five, and The Supremes, would make a kick-ass jukebox musical. Anyway, we did a local production of this show right when Austin Powers came out, so every scene transition was with go-go dancing. How great are those piped-in "BACK-ER-A-RACK" back-up singers from backstage?

"America" from some revival of West Side Story starring Debbie Allen as Anita. As much as I loathe Debbie and her non-Fame contributions to society, I have to say that, even in summer stock, this score freaking rules anyway, and usually triumphs over any poor production values the show may have. Since this was the eighties, yeah, these were pretty bad.

Also abysmal? Like Debbie, like daughter. Somewhere, Chita is pissed.

Yes! Here's Tommy Tune to make things all better. He introduces "Sing, Sing, Sing," which was originally from the flop Fosse revue Dancin', but resurrected for the hit Fosse revue Fosse. Even though I've never seen it - the DVD version is pretty low on my Netflix - I never really "got" Fosse. So, it's a retrospective of all his best routines. That should be kind of cool. And it's fascinating to see original Fosse dancers like Jane Lanier and Scott Wise strut their stuff years later. I like the fact that there's a live band playing onstage. Sadly, you won't see that on the Tonys today, either.

Former Fifth Dimension member Michel Bell sings "Old Man River" from the Hal Prince "rethinking" of Show Boat. By the way, you know how I said in Part II that "Grim Hotel" was the best Forbidden Broadway parody ever? "P.C. Show Boat" is the second-best. "Please see Show Boat, please see Show Boat, Harold Prince's floating barge. Pease see Show Boat, P.C. Show Boat, ultra-streamlined, ultra-large..." You get the picture. And "It's old show Show Boat, and we do everything wroooong..." My mom just saw a community theatre show where one of the cast members was in this. Honestly, I don't think there was anyone (circa 1993) who wasn't in P.C. Show Boat. I saw a local production of this, and two-time Tony nominee Kelli O'Hara played Magnolia!

Hey, here's something I love that everyone hates: "Wedding Bell Blues." Discuss. Anyway, there's a special feature on these DVDs, where you can look at the old Playbills for these shows. According to the Show Boat one, apparently, Hugh Panaro was in it, too. He must have been, like, twenty-three when he (presumably) played Ravenal!

"Step to the Rear" from How Now, Dow Jones. This was from my dad's time, so any attempt on my part to explain this would be futile, stripping it of any and all probable relevance. It's very weird and innocent, like Of Thee I Sing or The Apple Tree. And there's Tony Roberts with a bunch of homely women in dresses that look like they were made from couches. About a hundred people finish up the number on that stage.

"Where Is the Life That Late I Led" from Kiss Me, Kate. I really love this show, amusingly, we've never done it in summer stock, because it's not appealing enough. It's Alfred Drake, who, by the way? Was the original Stokes.

Then Julie Andrews performs a fairly recent medley of Lerner and Loewe tunes. "Wouldn't It Be Loverly," "Camelot," and "I Could Have Danced All Night." Because? After Joseph on Disc 2, I hardly think three songs constitutes as a medley. She barely hits that note at the end. Barely.

Back to Goulet, who notes that playwright Ken Ludwig conceived Crazy For You as an amalgam of other, lamer Gershwin musicals. By the way, if you're interested in finding out more about who Ludwig is - the portrait of grace under pressure - rent the fascinating documentary Moon Over Broadway. Your Netflix account will thank you. Anyway, I really love Crazy For You. After watching this number, "I Can't Be Bothered Now," I completely understand not only why my mom is such a huge Harry Groener fan, but why she has been pushing for us to take a mother-daughter tap class. It's on! Although, I can't imagine Groener even pretending like he can't dance in Spamalot. I actually knew someone in college who had an autographed picture of Jodi Benson right next to her bed. That girl was creepy!

"No Matter Where You Are" from Kiss of the Spider Woman. Goddamn it, I hate this show. I could never, ever take to it. Does that make me insane? I still think it's flipping wrong that, of all the source material in the world, they made this into a musical. Don't get me wrong. I like rumbas. I like Chita Rivera. I even like the original novel. But I always hated this show from the very moment it came out and the cast performed on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It creeped me out then and it really pisses me off now.

Goulet introduces himself and Inga Swenson doing "Indian Love Call" from Rose Marie in 1982 on the Tonys. Okay, now it's time for Justify Your Existence: The All-Mountie Edition! Who ever thought this was a good idea? Because it only seems to make sense in Goulet's own private universe. No kidding, in the Nine Playbill I have from 1982, there's an interview with Hildy Parks, the original Tony Awards writer. She talks about some of the show's worst moments, and says that the Mounties weren't her idea. It was all Goulet's fault! Not surprisingly, Parks wrote the intro copy for every host but Goulet on these DVDs.

Again, they very obviously snuck some girls in drag in there. And now, here's a large black man in a flapper costume. Wait, now there's two of them! Oh, those are women. This is "T'aint Nobody's Business if I Do" from the musical Black and Blue. Finally, there's Zero here to tell us "Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight," and it's on to the bonus performances.

First off, an Ethel Merman medley of songs from Girl Crazy ("I Got Rhythm"), Call Me Madam ("You're Just in Love," with the syncopated part), and Gypsy ("Everything's Comin' Up Roses"). Then, it's on to "My New Philosophy" from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. Kristin Chenoweth is cute, but, but, man, this show did not belong on Broadway. Only 149 performances? Six grown adults dressed up as the Peanuts kids with no set, save for a few wooden blocks? How come only the girls had to wear dopey wigs? That girl playing Lucy is hella annoying. They skip the end part where everyone comes onstage and sings "Happiness Is," but, happily, that segment lives on YouTube. A lot of people were disappointed with the guy who played Charlie Brown, and I agree. He's, like, two feet taller than everyone! And he's got a full head of hair! Somewhere, Bob Balaban is weeping.

Goulet takes off to do La Cage. In his own mind. With plenty of bourbon. Harvey "brilliance" Fierstein takes over hosting duties, and introduces "Caledonia" from Five Guys Named Moe. All you need to know about this is that each “Moe” has some defining trait (Big Moe, Little Moe – see, you can’t do one of these revue shows without a really short dude – No Moe, Four-Eyed Moe, and Eep Moe). I remember seeing this when I was a little kid! They got the whole audience to sing and clap along. That's persuasion. And, honestly, how the hell are you going to not clap along when Big Moe tells you to, nay, demands it?

They did Five Guys Named Moe at our local cabaret theatre. We didn’t get to see it. Instead, dad took the whole family to see Forever Plaid, which is like the white version of Five Guys Named Moe, except their defining traits are much less interesting (the nerdy one, the fey one, the bland one, the one who went to Yale). And they sing oldies like “16 Tons” and “Tally Me Banana” that would probably only appeal to your dad, too. Snoozeworthy.

Where were we? Oh yeah, the white people are loving this. They even got Robert Guillaume to clap his hands, and he never claps at anything!

Now, given the choice between Kiss of the Spider Woman and Eep Moe, wouldn’t you much rather prefer the torture-less option? I thought so.

And here's "Ragtime." From, um, Ragtime. I only saw this musical in summer stock. I never actually saw it on Broadway. But, man, this is one downer of an opening number. It's not fun or exciting at all, and then it's all downhill from there. I feel kind of indifferent about Ragtime in general, because, while I have no doubt in my mind that it'll someday be regarded as a classic, it's still a very depressing show that nonetheless cut out most of the original plot and dumbed it down (and got rid of Sigmund Freud - hello, how did these people ever get by without the father of modern psychology? If anything, it explains a lot about the characters who remained in the musical.).

Well, let's see. What, exactly, happens in Ragtime? The whites hate the blacks. The blacks hate the Jews. The Jews hate themselves. Stokes buys a very expensive car and gets shot. Audra wins a Tony. Stokes, Mazzie, and Tateh don't. Everybody gets really pissed off at each other! The End! It really cheapens American history and reduces it to a few Kodak moments. Minus Freud. Einstein, too. And Salk. At least they had the good sense to leave in the Pringles Man as a vital part of the fabric of turn-of-the-century America.

Notice how the Tony audience applauds thunderously when all the Jews enter. Also, dig that one man doing the pop 'n lock just midway through. Say, is that beloved stand-up comedian George Wallace as Booker T. Washington? I think it isn't.

Although, I love the way Mark Jacoby goes "And there were no negroes!" Especially the emphasis he puts on the word "negroes." I can't help but feel like a little part of Troy Britton Johnson dies every time he has to say that word in The Drowsy Chaperone - let alone eight times a week. Wasn't Jacoby also in P.C. Showboat? And didn't he play a rapist in Sweeney Todd? I find it hard to believe he actually shacks up with his wife and kids in the suburbs...unless there's something he ain't tellin' us!

But I'd be remiss not to mention the Ragtime parody from Forbidden Broadway Cleans Up Its Act! "What show is sad and weepy? Everyone cries, half the cast dies, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. What set is dark and creepy? Big as a barge, everything large, la-la-la-la large! What plot's so complicated, things get as sticky as slime? It all ends happy, but it's all so sappy, the people call it Gagtime..." Third-best, easily.

"The American Dream" from Miss Saigon is next. Honk! Honk! Did you know that Jonathan Pryce's character is supposed to be Asian? It's too bad they didn't show the clip retrospective introduced by Jeremy Irons on the full version of this ("Sun/Moon"! The solo saxophone! That damn helicopter!). I was so addicted to watching this video on YouTube awhile back. Also, the new British tour b-roll. And the Dutch music video for "The Movie in My Mind." Okay. On the guilty pleasure o-meter, Miss Saigon ranks pretty high for me, so...just shut up.

I actually like Miss Saigon a fuck of a lot better than Les Miserables, and I'll tell you why: It takes place in a better historical period, and, like, one character dies at the end (and it's the only one we care about). I've never seen Miss Saigon. I haven't even heard the Highlights album. But I remember Paul Wylie winning the Olympic gold medal figure skating to "Why, God, Why?" Because, back in the 80s, my sister was way into 1. Miss Saigon and 2. figure skating. So, again, take my opinions with a grain of salt.

Angela Lansbury sings "Everything's Comin' Up Roses" from her very own revival of Gypsy. Try as I might, I just can’t believe Lansbury as the original stage mother from Hell. She’s so nice! Come on, this is the same woman who played Mame, Mrs. Potts, and Jessica Fletcher. Oh, yeah…and Mrs. Lovett. But even Mrs. Lovett seemed really nice, as played by Lansbury! They use some very cool staging tricks, like having the other cast members come out in elaborate evening gowns and tuxes. She really nails it here and makes Merman’s thing her own. I don’t think there’s anything she can’t do. Don’t get any ideas, Lansbury.

“The Happy Time” from the musical The Happy Time, which is, apparently about a French-Canadian photographer, played by Sir Goulet, who comes home to his father to relive better days. He’s supposed to be French-Canadian? This is weird, because it’s an entire sequence from the show. Goulet is very young, and an even younger Michael Rupert plays his godson. And I don’t know who David Wayne was, but he acts like someone (Goulet?) destroyed his beloved photos of naked ladies (seriously). You know every time I see his name, I’m just going to think of the opening credits to “The State”: “Da-vid Waaaaayne!” Goulet narrates. We are all bored.

Finally, we get a very special treat to end things off. Super-lewd “She Could Shake her Maracas” from Too Many Girls by Richard Rodgers…performed by Desi Arnaz! Don’t torture me. You know I never got to see The Mambo Kings in its out-of-town tryout.

Click here to see opera singers attempt a song from A Little Night Music that isn’t “Send In The Clowns.”
Click here to find out Percy Hyman’s real age.

iTunes

Havoc on DVD: Old Tony Awards Performances, Part II

Part I

Disc 2 gets a little less dated and a little more contemporary...if by "contemporary" you mean "more people with 80s hair." We start off with Lauren Bacall introducing cohost Brian Stokes Mitchell (side note: When my dad showed this special to us around the time it first aired, he referred to Stokes as "the kinda black guy." I don't know if that's just ignorance or the alcohol buzz he so enjoys at dinnertime, but he really is a big fan of Stokes.) who presents a clip of Patti LuPone singing the title song from Anything Goes. She doesn't do a whole lot of tapping. And you've got your Howard McGillen as Billy Crocker and a battalion of dancers in matching sailor outfits. My dad has this CD and I could never understand any of the words Patti sung on it.

"Bosom Buddies" from Mame. Angela Lansbury and Bea Arthur sing and dance in sequined gowns about how they're best friends. And then we get Robert Morse doing a super-hammy "I Believe in You" from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. Morse was pretty scary-looking even before he played Truman Capote. Although, one thing I find truly scary is this YouTube video of what happens when opera singers try Jerry Herman.

Stoker Ace over here (other side note: I think I just became the very first person my age to drop a rererence to Stroker Ace!) gives us some background on a show we (I) hadn't heard of, Piaf, starring Royal Shakespeare Company member Jane Lapotaire. She sings "La Vie en Rose," and it's pretty eerie how much she really sounds like Piaf. It gets boring after about two seconds.

Richard Kiley sings "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. I don't know why, but this song has the ability to instantly regress me from a somewhat unpredictably mature twentysomething to a blubbering one-year-old in poopy diapers. Actually, I do sort of know why. However, if you don't want to know why, I suggest skipping the next few paragraphs and going straight to the part about Ain't Misbehavin'.

See, Man of La Mancha is my dad's favorite musical. He talks endlessly about seeing it at the ANTA Theatre with Richard Kiley in the title role. If you watched last Monday's "How I Met Your Mother," you should know, or at least get the reference, that musical theatre, to me, is like Ted and baseball. Which is, to say, the only thing I can talk to my dad about without him blowing a gasket. As long as I don't tie it into my own issues. Which is tough, because my dad usually does, whether I appreciate it or not.

He has seen this show on repeat business, both on and off-Broadway, and owns both the original and the revival cast recordings. Mind you, I have never even seen the movie version, but I saw a local production of this show when I was very young. If you have never seen Man of La Mancha, it is a musical about the fabled author/political activist Cervantes, but it is also a musicalization of his most famous story, "Don Quixote." The show is unique in that the whole story is told by Cervantes, who "plays" Don Quixote, and acted out/believed by his fellow inmates, who play all of the other roles, including the Windmill.* The story of Don Quixote and his "impossible dream" is essentially Cervantes's justification as to why he is a political prisoner.

Anyway, the only thing anyone ever remembers about Man of La Mancha is that song. Because, within the context of the show, it packs this extremely unsettling emotional wallop. And, I mean, come on. Who's going to tell Richard fucking Kiley that the Golden Helmet of Mambrino is really an unwashed bedpan? Clearly, the character of Cervantes has some serious issues.

That being said, this song and its version by Richard Kiley can pretty much get me to weep on cue barely marking the part just before "and the world will be better for this," where he almost internally rhymes "quest" with "rest." Same goes for when Brian Stokes Mitchell performed it on the Tonys a few years ago, and my mom unwittingly caught me blubbering like a moron in the popcorn bowl. But when they did it on "American Idol" and "Saved by the Bell"? That was just plain wrong.

Now that I've got my deep-seated psychological issues with Dale Wasserman, Joe Darion, and Mitch Leigh out of the way, where were we? A number from Ain't Misbehavin'. We did this show locally, too, and people really didn't like it. Probably because there are only five actors, no plot, and nothing fucking happens in it. But I like this show and its brilliant supporting turn by Nell Carter (of blessed memory), whose moves and facial expressions are just priceless. During the big tap break, she gives this look that's like, "Oh, hell no, I ain't doin' that." And she does it anyway! By the way, of the songs in that show? "The Viper's Drag" kicks fucking ass!

And here's "Take a Glass Together" from Grand Hotel, which I really, really want to see for myself, because, man! If that's one number from the show? The rest of it must really kick ass. Michael Jeter and Brent Barrett sing and do weird moves behind a barre and that's your brilliant Tommy Tune choreography right there where Jeter moves his legs and torso around like he doesn't even have any bones in his body. It's freaky! But what little else I know about Grand Hotel: The Musical is as follows: It's a very complicated, very muddled, kooky murder mystery set in Germany during World War II, where every character is repressed, diseased, and/or suicidal to the point of it being massively symbolic. Why they ever made a musical out of the movie, I will never comprehend; probably because the inscrutably complicated characters (who really border on farce) are catnip to any discerning musical theatre actor/singer/dancer, and if the last name of the guy commandeering this is "Tune," clearly you're in very good hands.

The only other thing I know about Grand Hotel: The Musical is that it gave way to the Best. Forbidden Broadway. Parody. Ever. "Ah, Kringelein, the bookkeeper. Here to enjoy his last days here at Grim Hotel before he dies of terminal symbolism." "You want Dr. Von Shrapnel? He's in the lobby, shooting up!" Classic. It's scary to think that Jeter is no longer with us. Barrett's not dead. He's just doing Phantom in Las Vegas.

I totally skipped over this next one: "That's How You Jazz" from Jelly's Last Jam. Starring the brilliant triple-threat Gregory Hines. As much as it comforts me to know that Tommy Tune is still among the living, I don't like seeing so many dead people on this.

Okay, next up? The fourth (fourth?) Broadway revival of Guys & Dolls. The set, costumes, and choreography look like they came straight out of a high school, but Guys & Dolls tends to remind me of high school in general, so, I don't think there's much to write about here. Especially if the number is "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat." Which, aside from "The Crapshooter's Dance," couldn't be more high school if it tried. I know Walter Bobbie, who plays Nicely-Nicely Johnson on this is now a director, but the thing I can't stop focusing on is the fact that Vern Schillinger plays one of the gangsters. That was the only thing about this I could never truly get over. Also? The guy who plays Big Jule is, like, eight feet tall!

Maybe it's the other leads. If Nathan Lane, Faith Prince, Josie de Guzman, and Peter "How does it feel to be nailed by the King?" Gallagher all appear to stand the same exact height, they must be freaking tiny!

Here's "I Am What I Am" from the original La Cage aux Folles. It's pretty cool for what it is. I don't like the fact that, towards the end of the big dance number, all of the chorus members pull of their wigs, and it's quite obvious that there are some girls stuck in there with the Cagelles to fill in all the gaps. And it ends with everyone singing that big last chord, with some obligatory soprano singing a high "C." It's kind of disappointing watching this. But my sister saw the revival and loved it. Probably because, by that time, they could actually find dudes who could sing high C and do a frak of a lot more than parading around in heels and evening gowns (we're talking full-on gymnastics, people). Then, the "leading lady of La Cage aux Folles," George Hearn comes out in a tuxedo, in front of a drawing of his character, Zaza, and sings "I Am What I Am." It's a great moment, because he's just so hammy in this. The tune is pretty much old-fashioned but the lyrics are very politically outspoken for the early 80s. A friend of mine still can't believe Hearn as anything other than Sweeney Todd, and she freaked when I told her he won his Tony for playing a drag queen ("Noooo!"). I like the rhyme they came up with for "closet." So, this is the show that beat out Sunday in the Park with George for Best Musical? That. Is. Awesome.

Okay. A medley from the original cast of Les Miserables. "At the End of the Day" and then "One Day More." If you really care about how the new cast is going to measure up, watch this video and get back to me. I think it's promising, but you'll probably want to slug me for saying that.

Honestly, the only things I could think while watching that video were "They finally let black people be in this show!" "There must be a reason we don't get to hear Marius sing..." and "What the hell is Marya Grandy doing in the background? Get her out of the chorus, you stupid Brits!"

Here's what I've learned from this DVD: Broadway is like some Bizarro World opposite to the "American Idol" universe where the men can out-belt the girls, as opposed to the other way around, where "belting" to guys sounds a lot more like "screaming." And, just by watching Colm Wilkinson hit that penultimate note when he sings the line "ONE DAY MOOOOOORRRRE!" (and also seeing the new Valjean belt higher, louder notes than that on the linked video?) on key? It gives me some hope that people's conceptions of great belting can go beyond bad Celine Dion covers on reality television. It can also refer to Messrs. Wilkinson, Hearn (whose tongue looks like it's about to detach from his huge vocal cords during the "I Am What I Am" clip), Orbach, and McGillen (who could hold his own opposite LuPone and Buckley? All those out-belting contests must have given his audiences a massive headache).

Anyway, the "divos" are all over here, so if you're interested in the girls (LuPone, Buckley, Loudon), take your chances with Disc 1.

Here's one that's mercifully short: "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the Lincoln Center revival of Carousel in the mid-90s. This show is so antiquated. What I can't understand is, out of all the numbers in the show, why did they do Billy's death scene for the big Tony number? Why not something with, y'know, energy, like "A Real Nice Clambake," or "Stonecutters Cut It on Stone"? I don't know who played Julie Jordan in this, and I really don't care to find out. Although, there's Audra McDonald in the chorus as Carrie Pipperidge. I can't find Fisher Stevens, who played Jigger. There's Eddie Korbich with the freaky facial hair as Mr. Snow. Hilarious. He's not to be confused with Jeffrey Kuhn, who wears a similarly funny "Pringles Man" fake moustache in the Ragtime clip, but Korbich was the original Giuseppe Zangara in Assassins and Kuhn played Zangara in the revival, so I guess that sort of clears things up.

Hmm...what else? Jerry Orbach takes off his shirt and pants and manages to still be able to sing with a cigar in his mouth in "All I Care About Is Love" from the flop version of Chicago ("Can you believe it? A flop version of Chicago. Yes, I was in that flop that ran for three years!" Gerard Alessandrini is a genius.); Katherine Hepburn plays Coco Chanel in the longest Tony Award performance ever taped: An entire scene from the show Coco followed by a song, followed by an opulent fashion show, followed by the rest of the song! Every time I see Hepburn I think of Eleanor Sherman from "The Critic." Then we're treated to "Lambeth Walk" from Me and My Girl, which was a wacky British import in the early nineties, but was actually (obviously) from 1915. The best thing about this is that the cast members run out into the audience and hassle people like James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell. They should do that in more shows where people don't play cats.

More bonuses: Tom Bosley doing this number from Fiorello! (another one of my dad's favorites...he always used to sing this song around the house and I never knew what it was supposed to be) about Tammany Hall. He appeals to some stereotypically energetic chorus people (including Dolemite and some girl wearing a head scarf who really looks a lot like Beth Leavel) by singing to them in every dialect that was common to New Yorkers during Fiorello LaGuardia's mayoral campaign. Leading me to believe the entire population of New York City begins and ends with just Italians and Jews. Speaking of, it's "Be Italian" from Nine, which is endlessly fascinating to me. Little boys wearing kneepads? That rather large woman with the beady eyes and 80s flattop perm who's featured on every Sondheim tribute DVD ever made?

It is at this point that I grab the original Nine Playbill from 1981 that I bought at a flea market for $.25 and check that her name, was, indeed, Susan Terry. And she was never in Nine.

Finally, there's a medley from the original Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now, here's a musical made for a high school, because there are no sets, and the men's costumes allow for little more than funny hats and overalls with patches on them denoting which brothers they are. This is a "medley" in the sense that, if you've never seen or done it in high school, it's still the entire damn show. There's no set or real lighting, just a bare stage. They sing a few lines from every song. In a really accelerated speed. First, "Jacob and Sons," and the narrator is played by the late, beloved Laurie Beechman. I take back whatever it was I said about girls not being good belters. Then "One More Angel in Heaven," "Those Canaan Days," "Benjamin's Calypso," "Potiphar," "Pharoah's Story," "Go, Go, Go Joseph"...they just don't stop! Even if the songs totally aren't in sequence! Then they run out into the audience and act crazy. Then the Pharoah comes out with some wicked bulge in his jumpsuit costume and sings some of "Seven Fat Cows." And, finally, Joseph comes out and sings "Any Dream Will Do." This is pretty dated. Obviously, the costumes don't look as "Free to Be You and Me" as they do here. And Bill Hutton's hair is still caught somewhere between 1975 and 1983. But the dreamcoat itself actually looks like it was stolen from a Bible preschool.

Lloyd Webber, you rapscallion.

*pre-John Doyle's Sweeney Todd

It's usually about a thousand bucks per.

Havoc on DVD: Old Tony Awards Performances, Part I

I love the Tony Awards.

Don't get me wrong. To me, there's nothing better than seeing Broadway shows perform and stars humiliate themselves in an awards-show foofarah. I've been watching them every year since I was little, so, whenever they show the vintage show clips on PBS from time to time, I am glued to the screen, like a fat kid loves cake.

Getting to watch these on DVD is a real treat, because it's all the great parts minus those pesky pledge drives. I'll spare you the semantics, because the Michael Bennett in me really wants to cut things down, so I'll just preface this by saying I went on a Netflix spree and got all three discs just for the sake of a weekend-long marathon of some sweet, nougaty Tony filling.

Disc 1 is the first in the set, but, more than that, it's a testament to the first installment of why the Tony Awards are so campily fascinating in and of themselves: It's not all about the awards, it's the performances, stupid. Now, imagine you're some insecure kid growing up in the Midwest with an eye for nostalgia and who almost never sees Broadway shows, because they're so far away and so out of reach. It's a real treat for me, especially, because most of these performances were way before my time. When they finally showed this on our local affiliate, my dad showed it to us over dinner, so, at the risk of sounding like Man in Chair, it's something (almost) everyone in your family can enjoy, if you're so inclined to rent these yourself. And most of the interesting ones are already up on YouTube anyway (City of Angels! Steel Pier!).

Now, on to the performances. First off, we have "Adelaide's Lament" from the original Guys & Dolls, performed by Vivian Blaine. A note about the DVDs: Every time Jerry Orbach introduces a show he was in or a star he knew or was somehow inextricably connected to them, he has to milk it like the mensch he is. Was. I miss you, Det. Briscoe.

Anyway, I have a soft spot in my heart for this show. Right next to some murmurs. Yeah, it's what my parents would call a "hoary chestnut." It's still Guys & freaking Dolls, so I'll just let that one slide. At least, until we get to one of the revivals on Disc 3.

Next up, it's "A New Argentina" from Evita. And I had to actually watch this one again right after accidentally flipping over to the Madonna version on HBO. What a huge fucking comedown from Patti LuPone and her continuous belted high E's. Cripes! Now I know what PTSD recovery patients feel like.

Although, I grew up on this cast album. The original record. If it wasn't for my dad's sudden rejection of Lloyd Webber after being dragged by my sister to see Cats (more on that later), I'd only know Bob "Juan Peron" Gunton as Junction Jack in "Greg the Bunny." Sure, Antonio Banderas is okay, but Mandy he ain't. And Jonathan Pryce rules, but, man, why couldn't he have humped a Cadillac in this one, too?

Don't get me wrong. The score kicks fucking ass. "Rainbow Tour"? "The Art of the Possible"? "Peron's New Flame"? This was probably my very first exposure to a Broadway show that was really influenced by rock music. And some other things. Dig that groovy vibraphone!

"The Worst Pies in London" from Sweeney Todd. This was interesting. Even though I just watched the Sweeney medley from this year's Tonys, this is really reminding me of how much I miss this show with its big sets, huge cast, and full orchestra. Maybe they can re-revive it. Angela Lansbury, in an interview segment says the word "slutty," which, in turn, segues into Carol Channing and "Before the Parade Passes By" from Hello, Dolly!

"Send in the Clowns" from A Little Night Music. There had to have been other songs from this show. I mean, enough to fill two hours of live entertainment? It's a musical, right? At least Julie Andrews sings this. I thought the only reason Sondheim wrote this song was because Glynis Johns couldn't hit those high notes. Ah, well. Next up is "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof, but Zero looks really old. It is at this point I realize that, due to the development of the Tony Awards only recently being telecast, most of these performances were culled from year-by-year retrospectives done during certain milestones of the show. Like, for instance, in 1986. Hence, why they showed a lot of these clips on the 60th anniversary show. Repeatedly. And why there are no sets on most of these solo turns, save for big, light-up number displays denoting each year the shows came out. With all those numbers as obligatory set pieces, those must have been a bitch to store.

All right, where were we? "Shall We Dance" from 1951's The King and I. What I want to know is, how can they make a movie out of this and not include "The Small House of Uncle Thomas"? Anyway, I used to love this show growing up. Of course, my dad doesn't have the original version, just the revival starring Lou Diamond Phillips. I suppose stranger things than Lou Diamond Phillips in a Broadway musical have happened. Like Esai Morales in a Broadway musical. As the 59th Tony Awards so led me to believe once.

Oh, Emperor, you're so light on your feet.

So, here's John Raitt singing "Hey, There," from The Pajama Game. And, yes, a lot of these performances were culled from retrospectives, because Raitt doesn't look so much like Sid Sorokin anymore. Although, another thing that clued me off to this is the fact that the same few chorus singers/dancers appear throughout. I'm drawn to this one black guy with Dolemite hair and a funky moustache. I just can't take my eyes off of him, especially his facial expressions during "Trouble" from The Music Man much later. Also, the glittery, cellophane, Forbidden Broadway-esque curtains. But, man, take this for what it is. The Tony Awards today wouldn't be caught dead doing this kind of gimmicky stuff anymore, because nobody today would actually care. Speaking of which, most of these performers are dead - so, honestly, where else can you see silver foxes like Robert Preston and Tom Bosley(!) recreating the roles that made them famous (there just wasn't any reality television back then, so Broadway was where all the big stars were made) with all of the grace and energy of twelve-year-olds putting on a show. Like they'd been doing it for years! And presumably hadn't since the very first times they did.

And here's Paul Lynde performing a hilarious "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie. I had an improv class once with this kid who couldn't have been a day over fifteen. He would initiate every scene - every scene - as Paul Lynde. Eventually, it got to the point when I confronted him about it, and said, "Nice initiation, Uncle Arthur." And he just shot right back at me, "Who's Uncle Arthur?"

To give all you kids out there some perspective on the matter, Uncle Arthur was essentially Tobias Funke back when that bit was actually funny.

Now, back to our next number. "Wilkommen" from Cabaret. Was this the revival when Joel Grey was too old to play the Emcee? I think the drummer is the only one in the Kit Kat Band who's really playing. "Kickin' the Clouds Away" from My One and Only. I frakking love this show - in that it's probably my favorite musical either no one else has ever heard of, or no one else likes. I saw a local production of this a long time ago, and there's just something about a mass of chipper Oklahoma City University students tapping up a storm in the "Soul Train" formation and doing backflips and handstands at the end of this show that is particularly fascinating to an impressionable kid.

My One and Only involves an aviator, a mass wedding, and an ancillary character named "Mr. Magix." I have no doubt in my mind that I was probably the only person in the audience who couldn't stop thinking of this show the first time I saw The Drowsy Chaperone.

In a rather scary interview segment, host Tommy Tune reveals that he taught Twiggy how to tap dance...and she taught him how to knit!

Also? Rivera and Verdon doing a Kander and Ebb medley of "All That Jazz" and "Nowadays" from Chicago. "Lullaby of Broadway" from the original 70s version of 42nd Street starring Jerry Orbach. Chills. The audience goes crazy the moment he says, "Think of the two most glorious words in the English language: Musical Comedy!" How do they get that many people on stage dancing in unison? You just don't see that on Broadway anymore. Is it just me, or is the downsizing really that obvious? I feel like I was the only person, too, who was perturbed that there were only four people in the chorus of The Drowsy Chaperone. I mean, back in the day, Annie got to perform four numbers on the Tony Awards! How is that possible?

My favorite best bad Tony performance: A Year With Frog & Toad. If you were ever truly awak to witness this disaster, they thought it would be a good idea to have real, non-professional-actor kids on the stage interacting with the actors. And, apparently falling asleep and looking really, really bored, in front of everyone. Oh, man, that was hilariously sad.

Okay. "Jellicle Cats/Memory" from Cats. This shit was scary. Like a train wreck, I seriously couldn't look away. I found myself questioning why people bring themselves to actually like this stuff, and how they manage to have lives. At the same time, I found myself asking a lot of dumb questions...like, what makes this show really popular among creepy, middle-aged, single male eccentrics circa today, and straight, female pre-teens circa the early 80s, when nobody else really likes it - with it basically being A Chorus Line set in a junkyard? This is a musical that screams words like "tacky," "scary," "Germany," and "fan fiction." I actually had to pause and rewind this a couple of times, because I was so gobsmacked by how inane this is - and how I can't help but be morbidly curious about why this shit exists.

I have never seen Cats. My sister saw the national tour every time it came to town, had the album and poster, and even dressed up as the Glamour Cat for Halloween one year. Dad always had to take her to the civic center every year to see it. Meanwhile, my mom and I stayed home, watched T.V., and avoided that show like the plague. I decided to give it a shot - tentatively - when they were showing this special on PBS the other day. But when they first showed that clip of Betty Buckley? Drood, Carrie, and 1776 Betty Buckley? I had to do a double take. That's not her. She's completely unrecognizable.

Cats, and especially its super-creepy opening number, gives off this implication that the actors in the show are really anthropomorphs. The makeup makes their ages, races, and identities look indistinguishable, and the costumes are androgynous to the point where they no longer look like people: Lycra leotards so freakishly skintight they actually look like skin and push in the women's boobs; genitalia firmly tucked in; Adam's apples strategically covered with spiked flea collars. No joke, I actually had to watch this DVD again just to realize that a lot of the original Cats are featured as actual humans in other Tony Award production numbers preserved here on this very set: Ken Page (Old Deuteronomy, the one wearing a big, shaggy rug with blue face paint and yak fur glued all over his cheeks, who might as well represent God/Satan in the kitty underworld) is featured in Ain't Misbehavin'; Harry Groener (Munkustrap, who, I think gets to sing either the first or the fourth line in "Jellicle Cats") starred in Crazy For You; Terrence Mann (Rum Tum Tugger, the one in black who presumably sings the last line in the first verse, "Can you say of your bark, that it's worse than your bite?") was the original Broadway Javert in Les Miserables. No joke, the moment Mann first opened his mouth in this number, I blurted out, "It's Tim Curry!!!"

It did take me a while to find Janet Hubert(-Whitten), who starred as the mom on my favorite T.V. show growing up. In retrospect, it shouldn't have been that hard to spot her. Secretly, a part of me wants to do this show the moment it's finally considered a camp classic. Not only are those moves the best two-hour cardio workout you could ever get paid to do, there's a trapeze involved!

Now, for the bonus performances! Yay! They invented DVD for a reason, you know. There's some Sugar Babies medley. Mickey Rooney sings and plays piano. I think only him and David Hyde Pierce could ever get away with that. Then reaches behind the piano and he puts on a kilt and a tam o'shanter. What the hell is this crap?!

And it just goes on like this. Ann Miller taps. He makes funny faces at the camera. It's really bizarre. Much like Ann Miller herself. They put on hats and do "Sunny Side of the Street." Next, it's "Buenos Aires" from Evita. Because you just don't snub LuPone like that. Whoa! This show is almost thirty years old!

"Movie-Star Gorgeous" from The Apple Tree. Oh man, my dad loves this show. I have no trouble believing Barbara Harris had serious issues. But she was so good! I know they're reviving this show at the Roundabout, but it seems like such an unlikely choice! I love all of the dated, early 60s game-show trappings of this show: The "Rocky and Bullwinkle"-style narration, the one-dimensional cartoon set pieces. When she sings about being a "mooo-oo-vie sta-urr!" You really believe it! At first, I had trouble picturing Kristin Chenoweth as this, but after Harris transforms into Passionella, a bottle-blonde coloratura, I started to think she might be really, really good in it. Check out the comically gigantic falsies they added to her dress!

Okay. "Applause." I give. What is this show, anyway? I know it's based on All About Eve. Lauren Bacall starred in it with the wonderfully named Lee Roy Reams (best gay moniker since Rod Stryker, people). But obviously, they contemporized and re-set the storyline in the 70s. The girls wear crocheted shawls and pants with wide legs, for one. This show had a production number set in a gay bar, though. This is "Applause," the title song performed by a very young Bonnie Franklin and a bunch of Broadway gypsies. Yes, that Bonnie Franklin. I think this rollicking production number was created for the sole purpose of explaining what "Equity dues" are to the audience at home. There's a girl with a Rhoda Morgenstern baba babuskha on and a guy wearing a silk scarf. Very Paul San Marcos. And after doing a simple Google Image search...that is Sammy "Paul San Marcos" Williams! The real guy! Man, that's creative gypsy casting.

Okay...what else happens? They spoof every Broadway musical bit that was up-to-date in the early-to-mid seventies. "Wilkommen," West Side Story, and other various cliches. "Ambition" is done as a Fiddler-style bottle dance. Hey! Gerard Alessandrini should sue! A few guys show their bare asses for the camera! That was very clever. And then everyone's doing all sorts of crazy things to get the audience's rapt attention: Not just tap-dancing, but baton twirling, roller-skating, playing the accordian, magic tricks, acrobatics, and humping the scenery. I'd say Broadway requires much less of its performers now than it did then, but...wow, then everyone grabs tambourines and jumps around and mugs for the cameras. I miss the 70s. Especially the wacky variety shows. And, as a bonus, of course, another Annie medley. Starting off with "Easy Street" and ending with everyone singing "Tomorrow," even the villains. I miss Dorothy Loudon. Her "I Could Drive a Person Crazy" was the best.

I'd start my recap of Disc 2, but right now I'd rather make some muffins.

Because she cares more about the return of A Chorus Line than the return of Nuri Kamal al-Maliki

"Dude, it's just no use. Even great actors like us still can't get Havoc to appreciate Les Miserables. Oh, well, back to the drawing board."

[Turntable subesquently destroyed in favor of yet another Gypsy revival.]

Wake me when it's over.

Please?

Los Girly Boys

Obligatory Snarky Recap of a Television Show Everyone Cares About:

Did you watch "Dancing with the Stars" last night? If you didn't...where were you?! Because, man, that was some sheer hilarity you missed.

I don't know if anyone's ever pointed this out about it, but "Dancing With the Stars" is a highly Broadway-centric show. In the few episodes I've actually watched up to this point, I've heard them use tunes from The Pajama Game and La Cage aux Folles. This show is like the antithesis of the self-conscious gay denial represented on such highly P.C. reality shows as "American Idol" and "Survivor: Racism!"

Well, Mario Lopez did dance to a Gwen Stefani song last week, offering inarguably the greatest Gwen-related T.V. moment since Sebastian Bach sang "Hollaback Girl" on "Gilmore Girls."

Anyway, this show wears its homosexual appeal like sequins on its billowy, spangly sleeve. Just in time for Halloween, here's Sara Evans, country singer and all-around proponent of wacky costumes. She did a routine to a song from Phantom of the Opera, but it wasn't "Think of Me." Or "Music of the Night." Or even "All I Ask of You." It was "Phantom of the Opera." Hilarity! Ah, there's the chandelier. And she was wearing this full-out Vampirella getup you'd usually find upstairs at Ricky's with a leather bustier and wicked Goth makeup. And there was lightning flashing in the background. Her partner had on this costume that was covered with red rose appliques in some weird diagonal pattern along the torso, and he was dragging her all over the floor. It was crazy. And I love how they left in the campy dialogue from the Broadway show. Twice. "Sing for me, my Angel of Music!" "You aaaare the Phantom of the Operaaaaaa!!"

You had to have seen it. Maybe it'll be up on YouTube this second.

The judges reamed her for it, and the audience seemed compelled to agree. That was awesome. They were like, "Whooo...wait, I think I really mean...Whoa. He is right. This sucked and was bizarre!" That was, like, one person. And you could hear him, too! Now that was hilarious and embarrassing. Heheh. "You go, Bruno!

Incidentally, I was cleaning the apartment the other day, just going through old Playbills (The roommate: You threw out my yogurt!), and I still have the one from the 2005 Tony Awards. Guess who was nominated that year? None other than the "Dancing with the Stars" bandleader himself! So when is Joey Lawrence coming to Broadway? Bring on "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix"!

I have to hand it to Jerry Springer, though. He's never been more likable here than anywhere else, even when T.V.'s David Soul played him on the West End. He's like a stand-in for all of us pathlogically rhythm-challenged Jews watching in the audience. Not that I don't know my way around a pretty time-step. But, here, he's a big, sentimental goof. Kind of makes you forget about the whole shady "running for public office" thing. Maybe it's because he doesn't get a "Final Thought" in before "Help Me Help You" at 9:30.

Side Note: And hour and a half? Are you people insane?

Extra Side Note: Am I the only one who thinks "Help Me Help You" is the best show no one else is watching? It's like "Malcolm in the Middle" for adults. Only less frenetic. Just replace Reese with Jere Burns. Sublimely hilarious. I can't help but feel like if Marta 2 is now shilling for Macy's, this may be the closest we'll get to another "Arrested Development" for a very long time.

Where were we? Ah, yes. There's some girl from High School Musical on this. Why, I don't know. But imagine that's going to be the season opener on your old stomping grounds for a mo, and you'll at least sense why a part of me died recently.

Vivica A. Fox does a pasodoble set to Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." Heh. At least they did have the Scissor Sisters on last week as a very special musical guest. This is actually very good. Although, Joey Lawrence is really beginning to piss me off. I mean, more so than "Whoa!" ever did on "Blossom." He really comes off as a cocky asshole in this particular setting. I think he and Mario Lopez are supposed to be the designated villains of this thing. Because, if people are rooting for Jerry and Emmitt Smith, simply because, y'know, they've (supposedly) never danced. At least they try, and it's really fun, yet strangely heartwarming to watch them (sorta) succeed at it. Meanwhile, it's like Joey and Mario are forced to pretend like they don't even have to try. Or want to. I think the disparity between Joey's backflips/constant grandstanding vs. Emmitt's gleeful flat-footedness are just too great for this show. And, come on, how can your heart not melt at that footage of Emmitt riding a carousel at the state fair? You might as well be dead.

Never mind that I was complaining about this very same trait but only some hours ago. (At least on "Celebrity Duets," everyone seemed like equals). It's actually more interesting to watch these little internal conflicts on "Dancing with the Stars" play themselves out.

I have no doubt in my mind that one of the ladies (probably Vivica or Willa Ford) will squeak through to the finals and actually stand a chance of beating either Mario or Broseph. It's like on "Rock Star," when the best singer (Ty - who was actually in Songs for a New World and the Broadway revival cast of Dreamcoat!) was eliminated early. We need this! Because I hate being involuntarily forced to watch the "Project Model Catwalk Show" whenever the roommate gets the T.V. and I feel compelled to scream, "Hey, roommate, it's your boyfriend!" every time Michael Knight comes on the screen. So, far be it from me to be the arbiter of a popular opinion, for once. But, within the reality-show microcosm of "Dancing with the Stars," things we might not like fundamentally are compelling here. And we hate predictability. Okay, I hate predictability. But I digress. This show is a lot like Strictly Ballroom, actually. Which, I guess, is kind of the point. It's not overtly about dance. And it got John O'Hurley Chicago. It's balls.

So sayeth Rose, who is currently doing homework and singing along to La Cage from the CD player in the other room.

Can we talk about the kitschy non-showtune/non-No Doubt musical choices on this show? Because, every time I hear "You Light Up My Life" or "Copacabana," I'm just going to think of Homer and Marge over Bruno and Carrie-Ann. And now, it's The Eagles. For Joey's waltz. Bring on Simply Red already! The judges are crying. Mario isn't fooling anyone. Hello, "Kids Incorporated." Yes, you are a dancer, bucko! With a capital "D"! Don't fight fate!

Joey's on now, and it's not like we get any footage of him being clumsy. He just pretends to act like he can't dance. Which is bullshit, because we all know he can. Except for Mario, who, at least, is not a cheater. Um, hello. All right. Mario's pasanova is set to real ballroom dance music (I mean, if you count the Gipsy Kings. Which I do. At least, after Superstar. Extra points if Mario'd actually incorporated the "pepper grinder" into his routine, but no.). This is not helped by that evil, out-for-blood glint in Mario's eyes as he pasanovas across the dance floor.

Did that scare anyone else? I swear I didn't go to bed 'til 2:30 AM last night.

All right, Mario was the best - by unfair advantage.

Which means, next week, you'd better bring it to the waltz, young man.

"Sing to me, my Angel of Music!"